ABUSE AFFECTS IN MANY WAYS-MEN ARE PEOPLE TOO

Yesterday the post was on abuse and it mainly focused on women and what we sometimes go through at the hands of men. I told my story, because of the recent media attention given to Ray Rice and the hitting and subsequent knockout of his wife Janay in an elevator. Janay stayed after the beating and had even married him after the occurrence, here is hoping I got the story correct. We are always appalled when we hear stories of women being abused,  but what of men?

As usual I always speak about things from a Jamaican perspective being that I am Jamaican and I know my people and some stories coming from there and also I have memories of living there as a child, but this argument/issue on a whole is not only with a culture or even a race of people it is something world wide, and it is a problem.

When I was a small girl in Jamaica, there was a man named Rat, a mousy looking fellow, true to his name in looks and demeanor,who never wore shoes. There was a big Yard next door  of where we lived which had a huge fowl coop, almost big like a house, sans fowls however, that was where Rat slept almost every night. As a child, I use to feel sorry for Rat, because I felt he had no home, he wore no shoes and people called him Rat (this is a child thinking). I had no idea that he indeed had a home with wife and children, I was to find out one morning in the most horrific way.

I would often times sleep with my parents. I was a child afraid of Ghosts/duppies, and would climb in between my parents at nights. One morning as we slept we heard a huge commotion out in the streets, my parents jumped up and went outside to look, of course I pushed my thumb in my mouth (my thumb was my besty back then) and ran right behind them, people were crying and screaming and the ambulance were in the streets also the police. My mother held onto me as she and daddy walked up to some people and asked what happened.

Apparently Rat had gone home last night, (I was puzzled, because home to me for Rat was the fowl Coop) and he had gotten into an argument with his wife, (wife???, I was shocked!). At sometime the argument had quieted down, enough for Rat to finally get some sleep, ( he had been sleeping in the fowl coop trying to avoid a cankerous wife, but real Rats had been competing for his bed space and perhaps threatening to kill him, Jamaican Rats are no ordinary Rats,  so last night he tried to sleep home) Rat awoke screaming like banshee witches, to the wife pouring hot oil all over him. The neighbors ran to help Rat as his screams seemed to come out of the Twilight Zone, or of a cat being skinned. All his flesh had melted from his body and amid the whole craziness the woman had fled. Who know about the Al Green story, here is the link;

https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/soul-singer-al-green-is-attacked-in-his-own-bathtub

I do not remember the rest of the story as to what happened after the incident, but as with Pet from the story yesterday, I have never forgotten Rat.

I know of a woman who had a very dysfunctional relationship with her baby’s father, he ,like the “Wicked One”, who fathered my children were serial cheaters, horrible men, and of the same kind of character in almost every way, it was almost like t badge of honor to them, when women quarrelled over them, I think mine was the worst of the two however. In other words they could not handle their “bitches” outside the home. These women would call and curse her something fierce, and he would act as if it was nothing, she would cry and cry and complain, she was so hurt at the way he disregarded her feelings. She, according to her, needed to get revenge on him, she could not beat him as in fight him physically, so she scrubbed the toilet with his toothbrush, and watched him use it day after day. She laughingly told me what she did, I could not laugh or rejoice with her, I thought that was very wrong, and I have not changed my mind, it was wrong. It would have been better to have left him.

There was another time she had another boyfriend, she had wanted this one to move out, he too was a cheater and she had found hard evidence against him and had called me over to their house as the quarrel was blazing. She had thrown all his clothes out and he was refusing to go, actually pleading with her for him to stay. She looked at him in front of me and asked him seriously if he was not leaving and he replied a vehement no!

She walked away, into the kitchen, by this she had called the police, she came from the kitchen with a butcher knife and was cutting both her arms, blood was dripping all over, and to our shock and horror she began crying and screaming at the guy “see what you did!

The guy looked at me, horrified, heard the sirens of cops car from a far and ran from the house. What do you call behaviors like these. In the Ray Rice video, someone called to my attention that the wife had spat in his face, I did not see that, but we must know that every action cause a re-action. Men are not suppose to hit women but it does go both way. There are some women out there who will use the system to their advantage, and will go above and beyond to humiliate their man and get their way.

Also we speak of physical abuse, but what of emotional abuse, this, I believe is even worse than the physical, because the emotional abuse often times does not heal. Men often suffer in silence, protecting their masculinity. Too embarrassed to complain, and society adds to his pain and shame, calling him a sissy or as Jamaicans would say Mampala, encouraging to fight back, knock out his abuser the woman, and when he does, then same society condemns him and imprison him, how do we handle this?

Men because of shame often times endure the abuse, too embarrassed to say anything. Immigrants also fall victim to abuse regardless of sex I realize, they are put into the position of helping their spouse secure a green card. The very fact that they have to do this, and often times the other person cannot work until a work permit is secured, they suffer all kind of abuse at the hands of their partners, families, and other parties.

Let us reason on this today,  add your own story. Men stop peep and speak up. Below there are some stories I found on the internet, there are 25 stories, so I have placed the link for you.

25 Domestically Abused Men Reveal Their Horrifying Stories

Alágbẹ̀dẹ tó ńlu irin lójú kan ó lóhun tó fẹ́ fàyọ ńbẹ̀ /
A blacksmith who kept hitting an iron at a single spot has his reasons….Yoruba Proverb!

[Be tolerant; people have their reasons.]

All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…..Obara Meji!

There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned…..Obara Meji

1. “Dug her fingernails in” – a literal metaphor

My last ex was pretty controlling but I never guessed she would resort to violence when I tried to break up with her. I sat her down and explained to her that I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and when I tried to leave she dug her fingernails into my arm and wouldn’t let me go. I tried to remove her hand but she dug her fingernails in even harder. I pushed her off of me, at which point she looked at me like I hit a small puppy because “men aren’t allowed to push girls!”… So she retaliated by punching me in the nose. Blood was getting everywhere and instead of trying to calm her down again I ran out her bedroom and burst into her roommate’s room where she and her boyfriend were hanging out. They knew what was going on immediately. The boyfriend restrained my girlfriend and gave me enough time to run out the front door. The roommate ran after me saying, “I don’t care how big you are! You can’t take that abuse and feel fine.” I broke down right there and wept like a schoolgirl. Glad that’s over with and I’ve found someone who makes me very happy.

This is my arm over a year later after the incident.

2. No personal boundaries

We had an argument, and she suddenly escalated and started to hit me repeatedly. This included low blows.

I immediately left, called it off, and told her to get out of my life.

She then proceeded to stalk and harass me over the next several months. It was annoying but mostly harmless- she would mostly leave me degrading notes in various places, such as my car.

It all occurred in public areas, up until she managed to leave me a message in my home while I was away. I was terrified that she had been there. I didn’t feel safe at home afterwards.

I proceeded to obtain a domestic violence restraining order against her in court, and won the case. She’s been out of my life since.

None of her actions indicated to me that she wanted to severely injure me, but she did want control over me- the ability to lash out at me when she wanted to. She had little respect for my personal boundaries.

The violence was primarily of an emotional/terrorizing nature rather than a constant physical threat.

 

3. This is sickening

Old ex-girlfriend was visiting from out of town for a week. We were having a good time I thought . Some conversations about relationships that she didn’t like, but nothing resembling an argument or fight. I guess she thought her coming out to visit would turn into a long term relationship.

Anyway, one night we’re watching a movie, she goes upstairs to get something to eat. While she’s up there she starts yelling at me out of nowhere and then throw a large pot of soup down the stairs. Then some dishes. Then comes downstairs and throws a hammer at me which sticks in the wall, then a jar candle. She then tries to stab me with the broken jar.

This is all out of nowhere, no exaggeration. I had paused the movie, she went upstairs and then just flipped out.

Eventually she calms down. I am terrified of calling the police knowing that I’d probably go to jail. So I encourage her to sleep, and the next day tell her she can’t stay here after what happened. I pay for a hotel room just to get her out of my house. She goes to stay with family in another town and I guess tells them how we got in a fight and who knows what else. Anyway, 2 days after she left my house, I’m home playing skyrim with my daughter when the police come. They ask me if I put my hands on her, I say no, and then I’m arrested and going to jail.

Now I’m out on bail on a form of probation while I wait to set a trial date that can take up to a year.

4. False self-defense

My ex roommate had some serious issues with his girlfriend.

They’d split up at one point and she used a spare key she had (made a copy before giving his key back to him) to break into his house and walk into his bedroom while he was sleeping. She stood over him and then took her lanyard with keys attached and began beating him. He woke up being hit over and over with keys being swung around on a nylon rope. She was screaming at him while doing it. He threw her out of the house and she threatened to call the police to report that he’d started the physical portion of the fight and saying she hit him back in self-defense.

They got back together for some reason.

Same situation happened again with her coming in while he was asleep, only this time she crawled into his bed and began rubbing on him. While he was in this half awake/half asleep state, she started fucking him. He said when he realized it was her on top of him and he wasn’t just dreaming or something he threw her off. She again threatened to report him for physical abuse.

He never reported either incident but I know the rape was terrifying for him and he actually had some issues as a result. There’s not much help and if he went to report it anyway, it would have been his word against hers.

5. Let’s the story straight – boyfriend walks in on girlfriend cheating, girlfriend stabs boyfriend in anger

ComI was stabbed in the arm by my ex with a nail file thing when I walked in on her sleeping with some random she met earlier that night. Before that, she’d never even raised her voice at me. It was like something completely flipped in her head and she turned violent. I did not press charges and we weren’t living together so I simply left, went to the hospital for stitches and never spoke to her again.

6. How about not hitting people – male or female

I was with a girl for about a year. Things got stressful. We both had a couple kids from our first marriages, I worked so she could go to school.

To be fair, I can be a total, disgusting asshole when something makes me defensive. An ability she had in spades. One day I was laying back down. We were both tired and fighting viciously. I said “whatever” and closed my eyes and bam! She punched me three times in the head. I was freaked out, because my mother physically abused me as a child. I’m also 6’2″ and 230 pounds and was an amateur fighter. Violence is a huge insecurity for me and I was afraid I’d put my 4’11” 100 pound girl to sleep or worse, as a reaction, someday. It kept escalating and I was hit with a twenty pound mirror, had countless mugs thrown at me, a pewter figurine, hit, scratched, bit, holes in the walls.

Eventually, I started using explosive, but non injurious force on her. I became violent back after a year. Within a month of me becoming violent in return I made the statement that if I ever touched her in anger again, I was gone. Next day was a knock down, drag out fight that ended with me holding her violently on the floor. I moved into a weekly rental crack house that day and we haven’t lived together since. Took another four years to completely end the relationship. I blew my thirties on that madness and I’m a worse person than when I went into it, but I’m getting over that trauma slowly.