I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?

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Good day to all bloggers, peepers and sometimers. Our dear Prosperity has sent in a lovely post which has opened up the subject of abuse and it’s after effects. I am so proud of you all for sharing your life, opening up yourselves for the greater good of others who may read your stories and be uplifted or realize that they are not alone in their struggles. It is important for us all to know that we are not alone. To know that there are solutions to any problems (there truly is, unless God says no), and also support from people you have never even met. No man is an island, and iron sharpeneth iron and the countenance of one brightens the other. Christian psalms (133) says, ” How good and pleasant it is for brethrens to dwell together in unity”, this is what we do here on Embracingspirituality.  There were times in my life, on becoming awake, when I needed support, love, a kind word, a hug even. I needed to feel safe and be told that all will be well. I never got it.  It was harsh, but I came through unscathed, and I have decided to share my life experiences, knowledge, love, support and care for all who are able to find this site. I now give the hugs I did not get, I give the kinds words, sincerely, I now support, care and share, I make sure to inject humor in my posts, laughter is therapy, this I know for sure, I am naturally funny as is my father. I now defend all who are not able to help themselves. I pray God is pleased with me, this is my contribution to humanity. I get nothing ( as in money, I have turned all advertisements offers down, not wanting them to distract my readers) from this blog, except satisfaction at our interactions or private email of someone saying “thank you.” We will set a date for us all to be online to discuss the topic of abuse, of any kind. It is a worldwide problem, and dialogue needs to be. MTH thank you for your own contribution.

All ah oonuh dead beat dads waan some [email protected] lick, wid Miss Lou flat board, ole germz oonuh!

proProsperity
Firstly, I would like to thank Obara for this outlet, as I write I am not only tearing up, mi practically a bawl. Thank you so much for this. As I write I can feel the therapeutic release of not only my words on paper, but indeed a burden lifted from my soul. I am what they call a fatherless daughter. My mother raised me on her own. Three of us, in fact she had six other children but did not raise them. Her story is a difficult one, she has shared with me the sexual abuse she experienced from both men and women, as a little girl growing up in rural Jamaica and how her past still haunts her. She says the things that she has told me, she’s never shared with anyone. I feel very proud and honoured that she felt she could trust me with her pain. Mommy I love you. Anyway I am not here to tell her story.

My early life has been marred by disappointments in relation to my father. He has never been there for me in anyway shape or form. My first disappointment came one summer. I was around 8. My brother and I were set to go to Westmoreland to stay with my father’s mother. All the children in the community had plans for that summer, (who never did ah guh board the big white bird in the sky did ah guh country ah some relative). Anyway my brother and I were all packed and ready to go. I remember sitting on the bed in my best outfit. My white four sister dress with frills all over. I wore my white patent Mary janes (you remember the ones where if sun ketch it, it bun out yuh wats it not) and my white socks also with frills. We waited and we waited, but only in vain like Bob Marley (cause all nung di man nuh come). I cried so hard, as the promise of a good summer in the country seemed elusive. If memory served me correctly we went the following summer. It was ok, apart from the abuse I also experienced. I had to share a bed with a girl and another child, she had a child I remember. Maybe she was in her late teens early 20’s. I woke up one night to find her hand in my panties. I said nothing, but I remember the following night I protested with regards to sleeping next to her and it didn’t happen again. When my mother recounted her story of being abused by a woman, it shocked me, as women are not often seen as the perpetrators of sexual abuse.

Let us get back to the story at hand. My father continued to prove that he was one who broke promises, a father you couldn’t depend on, just awful. I remember when I started high school, I asked him to help one year with the school fees. After hearing the cost, he told me to boycott the school, as the fees were too high. My mother had to pay these fees, buy books, uniforms and provide lunch money and she never suggested that I should not go to school due to the fees being too high. My father began to see this woman who had a daughter who attended Ardenne high. He came to me boasting how he attended this girl parent teachers meeting (who does that). He’s never been interested in my education, but he represented someone’s daughter as a parent. I began to hate him and consequently began to hate all men. Men are evil, men are only after one thing, you can’t depend on men, they will leave you to do everything on your own. These were some of the things I believed and perhaps though I know that the world is full of wonderful men, deep down because of the entrenched disappointments, a part of me is still cussing men today. I believe that this has influenced my choices, this has caused me to attract men who are incapable of bringing true love to my life.

I am by no means easy to love. I can give my body away (not suggesting that me a free fi all), but not so much my heart. I can be very dismissive of men. I hide my vulnerability and I do not bear my soul. I don’t trust men at all. Therefore, I believe if I were to give my heart, I will only get disappointment and heart ache in return. I have also noticed a pattern with me. I am the first to break off a relationship, even for simple things. Through reflection I realise I am very immature with regards to matters of the heart. Another pattern is that I have been going for men who already have significant others, despite claiming to want a stable long lasting relationship. I have never dated a married man, which essentially is the same thing, but I guess that is an attempt to hold on to what is left of my moral compass in that regard. I believe these patterns are indeed a defence mechanism. Because I have created an image of men being disappointing, men not being there I have started to go for men who can’t be there for me in actuality, as I can’t be the priority if I am not your girlfriend. I can’t be disappointed, as you can’t promise me a future, that will never manifest, as I’m not your girlfriend. You can’t hurt me with your lies, as I am not your girlfriend. I don’t care what you want to do, as I’m not your girlfriend. I usually end relationships during or after Christmas, when I realise that I’m not their girlfriend (ah joke dis).

I can remember two things that my mother appeared to enjoy. She didn’t live a very fun or happy life. In fact, she was always screw face, but I remember on occasion she would love a Red Stripe, not often, but when she indulged she liked it well cold. She also loved the song by Foreigner ‘I want to know what love is’. As a child I didn’t quite get its meaning, but now I know she never knew love, despite the many boyfriends and the two failed marriages (Yes she was married to my father, mi nuh get it either). My question is though my mother and I would want to know what love is, are we able to get past our past and let love in? I really don’t know, but I’m still hopeful, even if it is in my 90’s. As they say, better late than never.

‘This mountain I must climb, feels like the world upon my shoulder,
Through the clouds I see love shine,
It keeps me warm as life grows colder.
In my life, there’s been heart ache and pain,
I don’t know if I can face it again,
Can’t stop now, I’ve travelled so far,
To change this lonely life’
Foreigner

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Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago

So I got an “I love you” message last night. To which my mental response was yeah right, is what get inna dis man? A who him a try trick, really tek oman fi ediat. Is how much a we him copy di text to. Bwoy man really lie. Now these things I said to myself. However, his text was followed by hin saying that I have a lot of things that I need to let out and let go of and he’s there for me. So I not only have to work on accepting love, I also have to… Read more »

MTH
Blogger
MTH
4 years ago

Teach, yu mek kin ova, di power of the pumps vs the pumps. He is a good father on and off. He has put women in front of his children before, but I cannot honestly say he doesnt love me. The love his has for my two children, is out of this world. I will never forget how he left me alone at home, when my daughter became 12, I was thinking how could a parent leave a child that age alone.

MTH
Blogger
MTH
4 years ago

Prosperity, I had to come back to this story. While growing up my father had a fondness towards me. I resemble him so much and we are practically the same height. It could also because I had very bad asthma as a child and he would be with me a lot at the Children’s Hospital. Whatever the reason, I am his favourite child. Fast forward to when I was ten. My parents separated and both my sister and myself (the only two belonging to the same parents, all my other siblings are half) went to live with my mom. My… Read more »

Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago
Reply to  MTH

By the sounds of it your father loved you. He provided you and cared deeply for you and still does, as his love for you is expressed through also loving your daughters. My father contacted me via Facebook last summer. I see this man sending me fren request, I did not know it was hin. So I ignored the request. I don’t use Facebook often, so after a while I went on and saw all these messages from him. He said I looked exquisite and he’s proud of me. Clearly he didn’t know that I wasn’t seeing the messages and… Read more »

KTB
KTB
4 years ago

Bless up your self Prosperity!!! Absentee fathers smdh if only dem could understand the pain they inflict by not being in their childrens lives. You could have the greatest mother but still miss your fathers love. Loving yourself makes life better but im not sure you ever get over that absentee father not loving you. I see myself in some of what Prosperty shared…I dont like a guy too long because I want to protect myself from the disappointment of him leaving or not showing up. I get told that i am aloof or not interested alot its mostly a… Read more »

Iman
Blogger
Iman
4 years ago

I was so touched by this story. Blessings to you, and to your mother. I believe you will be able to let love in in the future. From you looking into yourself, and giving yourself d love you needed but never got, it will happen. That’s what I had to do. My mother never had a mother, and never had a mother’s love, so she didn’t know how to give it to me either. I suffered big time but now I come to a place where I realise I have to parent myself. Treat myself with the gentleness and acceptance… Read more »

MTH
Blogger
MTH
4 years ago

Le.tigre welcome! Howdy Lincoln!

le.tigre
4 years ago
Reply to  MTH

Thank you MTH 😀

Lincoln
4 years ago

Too many absent dad’s. Though my parents didn’t have a good relationship together beside financially my dad was so much a real dad to my sister and I. I love him so much, taught me how to respect everyone I meet and to share no matter how little you have. Alot of people talk about mom sacrifices but I can truly talk about my dad’s sacrifice. I hate seeing men not standing up and being dad’s, they don’t understand the emotional scars they leave on the younger generations. I wish I can be 1/2 the dad my dad was to… Read more »

le.tigre
4 years ago

Prosperity, you’re an amazing writer! I too have my father absent in my life but only in the sense that he still lives in Jamaica and his immediate family is here, in Canada. I think I might miss him sometimes because I’ve realized that his absence may influence some of the stupid decisions I have made when it comes to men. I really and truly believe that it will take the right person to offer love into our lives that will completely dismiss the scars of abonnment and abuse. There’s love for everyone lol. Much love from me to you!… Read more »

MTH
Blogger
MTH
4 years ago

Prosperity, thank you for you sharing. Missing daddies are so rampant in Jamaica. A lot of the girls you see acting out are a direct result of not having that father figure in their lives, they keep searching for that missing part. I was a daddy’s girl, but at times when my father found women, he would neglect him family and embrace the children of the women, more than he did his own. I wish they knew how their actions of neglect/selfishness affect their children. Girls keep searching for love, looking for someone to fill that gap. The gap that… Read more »

Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago
Reply to  MTH

Same suh MTH

C . BURNEY
Blogger
C . BURNEY
4 years ago

Thank you for your story that couldn’t have been easy to tell at all this is Cleary and epidemic that’s going on with a lot of people and it saddens me everyone should be able to receive the love that they deserve as well as give it. I Wish I knew how to solve this issue because it bothers me to the core. Peace and blessings to you.

Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago
Reply to  C . BURNEY

Peace and blessings to you C.Burney. ESP family has made it easier to share. The thing I love about this forum is that e every one cane share without fear of judgement.

*Supa*Natural*
Blogger
*Supa*Natural*
4 years ago

Porosity
Start relaxing your face too, smile more because I realized screw face’ sabotage your feelings but it you relax your face or smile a little your mood change……
And NEVER settle for less than you deserve from nuh man.

Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago
Reply to  *Supa*Natural*

Yuh know seh down to dis morning I saw my reflection in a shop window and mi seh no man, gal yuh fi do betta. Not even bounty could beat mi to cross angry and miserable. The stew face need fi guh fi true true

*Supa*Natural*
Blogger
*Supa*Natural*
4 years ago

@Prosperity You’re welcome! I’ve been there. My past doesn’t make me cry anymore or feel angry, now my past leave me in awe’ just straight disbelief because i didn’t know I could’ve come out of it without being suicidal, a drug addict, or a prostitute….. But please, no drugs, those things will bring you so low you will all find strangers to grine, suicidal, and besides those things are gateway drugs (I work at a hospital and there’s a lot of complaints with psychotic meds side effects). I used to see a psychiatrist but I realized they were treating my… Read more »

Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago

I agree with you Supa Natural about drugs for depression. I’ve been on them before and I think they’re are worse than the actual depression. For me anyway. I felt nothing, not happy, not said. Just nothing. I was like a zombie and a zombie can work on changing

*Supa*Natural*
Blogger
*Supa*Natural*
4 years ago

Great morning Obara M. & Great morning all bloggers. @ prosperity Sorry to hear about your past, it is sometimes really really really hard to get over it; a matter of fact it can become your future if yuh nuh mine sharp (a suh di saying guh? lol) BUT you change the future if you stop what you’re doing now. For example, yuh bruk yuh foot and it healed up now, will you give up on walking or start walk then drop a ground and pretend to be a handicap? No! Yuh move on and walk again….. Anyway the point… Read more »

Prosperity
Blogger
Prosperity
4 years ago
Reply to  *Supa*Natural*

Thank you so much for your valued feedback. I know that I am the change that I need to see. I need to change, not my father, not my past, but me. Reflecting on my life has definitely made me aware of why I do the things that I do and the patterns that I keep repeating. Change is not easy, but as Obara always says we have to be present in our lives. Being present is important to ensure that I am not on auto pilot and thats when I can evaluate everything that I do and everyone in… Read more »

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