Here in Africa I have observed many of the wives and girl friends of theses African men submissive to them. When they are served their meals Nigerian women will serve the meal on their knees, Iteriba fun oko eni, as it is called (serving the husband with respect). He is her God and she treats him as such. If they have an argument she is the one to say sorry most often, prostrate on her belly or kneel while rubbing her hands together in a pleading, almost prayerful way as she begs forgiveness, often times for things she did not even do.
He readily pack her out and drive her away to her family house if he choose to, and it is comical to see all the family members come back with her begging him to give her another chance.
In Nigeria, she will brag to people that she is “in her husband’s house”, it matters not if she contributed one Kobo to the construction of the house or the initial renting of the apartment (they pay rent here yearly or for two years before they can move in) he is Lord and master and she dares not challenge him. Now I know I have many Nigerian and Africans from other countries who reads the blog daily, and I am aware of some that are educated and modern and will say “No Obara my husband and I are in a partnership”, but while you are saying this, I am also sure you will agree that this the is mentality of most of the women here, regardless of Country,it is across the board culture in some respect.
As a matter of fact women whose roles as house wives or girlfriends within their culture who are submissive or docile can be found in other countries, like China, and Japan not to mention Saudi Arabia and other Islamized countries, Islam religion demands this, as women are regarded as nothing, so sad, Christianity supports it as women has no good place within its teachings.
Religion and culture supports docility in women, and it is evident within their doctrines, women are vilified and bastardized, while men are hailed as Kings and majestic, powerful and strong, giving them the title of Master of his domain, Man ah Yard as we Jamaicans say. Women have readily given up their power, if only just to say they have a man or husband, as most of them find it shameful to reach a certain age and not be married or have a significant other.
To have a man, many women will do anything, and they have. In doing this, they have given up their power!
As a child growing up my mother worked and my father also, although he was a construction worker, a mason by trade and a carpenter, he never had a steady job, as those work would come and go, when a job was done, he would have to wait until another on came up. My mother. who maintained steady work at The University Hospital of The West Indies, worked to support the family when things was on a “go slow” for daddy. She was/is a very good cook and baker and she supplemented her income by baking cakes for people and occasions, also puddings, and cut cakes and greater cakes (sweets treats every Jamaican knows) and she even taught my father how to bake like her, so that when she was on her evening shift at the hospital, he could supply the demands for her products.
When my father did work however, he gave my mother every cent, and held non for himself. My mother in turn would give him pocket money, and buy him his necessities, she would pay the bills and of course provide food for us and then-some. This was fine for my dad who loved, respected and trusted my mom, and we all lived well. Never have I in all my years heard my parents argue or having a shouting match. Well there was this one time when he came home six in the morning (he slept out) and she hit him with the broom, several times honestly, I was about four years old back then, I remember , but he raised his hand to ward off the broom hits and that was the end of that. So I saw my mother in the light of the strong female running her household and taking care of the family, regardless if the man could contribute or not. My daddy never felt emasculated by her strength and resourcefulness. She honored him as her husband and he also honored her as his wife.
Some weeks ago I went to a computer shop with my husband to renew our internet subscription. The owner of the establishment knows me and and always greet me well whenever I am in town and go to his place. While we were waiting for them to what they had to do, the gentleman, a young Igbo chap began to speak to me about the upcoming Presidential elections, he was surprised at how much I knew about Nigeria,and their politics and so the conversation was very enlightening and informative.
I could tell that something was not right with Oluwo, it was evident on his face, and after a while he told me that he was going to get something to eat. It was several days after, while we were talking he told me that I talk too much, and that he did not like it, he said anywhere I go I always like having conversation with people. I answered him and told him that if some one speaks to me, not being disrespectful to me, in my own culture it is rude not to answer them, and I believe culture, not withstanding, it is overall good manners to be cordial, I really do not know how to be rude and hurt persons feelings.
He said that he do not like it and that it makes him feel as if I am “Madam” and he is “Driver”. I was shocked at his confession, but I processed it internally and realize that he felt emasculated by my presence. Read it again, I did not say by me, I said my presence!
Now this is a Babalawo, a man who haS two Chieftancy titles, double Chief as they call it over here, he is the Otun Araba, soon to be Araba, as a matter of fact he is already acting the part of Araba, as his grand father who is the Araba is 104 years old is not as active as before, meaning he does not attend the Babalawos meetings as before or all the many functions he as Araba should officiate, so in many things it is the Otun Araba who have to represent and make decisions. He will sit directly beside the King in every and all events. Let me tell you all what an Araba is in our tradition.
An Araba is head of our Ifa/Orisha tradition, each town here in Nigeria have their own Araba who heads the tradition. All practitioners of Ifa, including Babalawo’s answers to him, he is the supreme high priest and he wears a crown, suggesting that he is King of the tradition. Here are the list of titles in tradition in the hierarchical order, these are the 16 most important Ifa priest, from the Araba downward;
1-Araba- (he is Otun Araba, right hand of Araba or next in line for the crown)
2-Oluwo-(which he also is also)
3-Ojubona-(he is also the Ojubona of our town, a title he will have forever)
I made a point in listing this to show you the importance of my husband within his community and his tradition and to cap it all off, his name is Adekunle which means there is a crown in the house, he will be up for the crown of King of the town of which his father was King, whenever the sitting King makes his transition.
All these in his favor, making him well known and extremely respected here in Nigeria and yet, in my presence he feels emasculated. Less than who he is, all because of my inner strength which comes out through my spirit.
I realized that this as been so with all my men (the few that they were), all of these bad getten half men, all felt emasculated in my presence. I am respectful of everyone. I am not one to curse and embarrass my man, I will respond however if I am pushed, and looking back at Mr. High grade and the things he use to say to me, I now realize that he felt weak in comparison to me, to my presence, so did the wicked baby father. Notice how I keep using the word “presence”. I will soon explain.
Although I am a feminine woman, I love to dress up and be clean, and do all that women do to feel good while honoring their femininity, I am a very strong woman, who is of the no nonsense type. What I mean by this is, human beings are not in love people they cannot fool or rule. I am not that person who one can rule or even conquer. Yet I have never tried to rule any man in my life, but the “presence ” that I carry, the spiritual energy within me, and which people can sense is what makes people weary of me, thinking to themselves, “you better watch this one”.
Why would you be weary of someone who has never bothered you, unless you are a sinister, unsure, weakling, or is it jealousy in realizing that while I am around you, your light now dim. It dims because you have not what to uphold which God gave all of us. I certainly have,and I have upheld it, my integrity and my dignity, my talent and my faith in the supreme, and most of all I radiate love!
From ever since I can remember, I have called myself a Queen, (this is my truth, you can say your own, but I care not about criticism, this is who I know myself to be). Oh Forget about Elizabeth and her crown, for mine is bigger than hers and any other earthly crowns, I was born a Queen, I came from heaven as such, this I know for sure! I know it within the deep core of my being and as I traveled along life’s way people treated me like royalty. I have never treated people like minions, how could I?, I do not look at anyone as my royal subjects or less than I, I know my own truth and I logged on to it, this is who I am whether anyone knows it or not. In my confidence as royalty walking these earthly grounds, knowing who I am, it showed itself in me, in my gracefulness, in my presence, in my speech, my actions the way I live my life and even in my philosophies, in all areas of my life.
People who also are confident with who they are respect me and love me, others with self doubt, insecurities, low self esteem and weak presence despise me!
I once went to dinner with a friend of mine and his friends, a couple who were in the entertainment business. My friend is a self proclaimed Obeah man. He and the man from the couple had come to my house the week before and we had conversations about spirituality, which as you all know is my topic to deal with on a daily basis and of which I am well versed. As with all people who I have met and have had serious conversations with the man was impressed by my speech on all things spiritual, and went home to tell his counterpart about me. We were invited to a private movie screening which the woman produced and dinner after. While we were at the table eating, the wife prompted me to speak on many topics pertaining to spirituality, Of course I did. I noticed my friend who is very braggadocios, always wanting the world to see and know him as a very powerful person, he sat quiet as I spoke and commanded the attention of these very intelligent people.
Bloggers this is my natural character, anywhere I go, people gravitate to me, like bees to honey, It is the truth and It is my destiny. This creates bad jealousy for all people who are with me and who sees this, people sitting by me, crowd of people to hear what I have to talk about, they have no idea that it is the spirit within me, I came to earth this way.
Suddenly, I felt water splash in my face, and of course I was shocked, I looked at him, we all looked at him, he was holding the flowers which were in a vase on the dinning table. He had removed the flowers (thinking they were fake, I will explain the spiritual meaning of this to you all very soon) and splashed the water in my face, realizing what he did and how these people who he wanted to impress were looking at him, he apologized and placed the flowers back inside the jar.
They people there may not have realized what his real reason for doing what he did was, but Mama did nor raise no fool, I knew exactly the spiritual meaning behind his action, remember I said he was a Obeah man, one who liked the bad side.
His jealousy for me and for the attention he thought I was getting from these people was so much that he, thinking that the flowers were dead/artificial, splashed it in my face, hoping that these dead flowers would quench or kill my spirit, shut me up, dim my light. This is a wisdom knowledgeable people have using artificial flowers and repeating certain psalms in their minds. God was and is always on my side and this idiot had no idea that the flowers were real and not fake. Even if they were fake it would not have affected me, cause Mama did not raise no fool!
This is another example of a man feeling emasculated in my presence. This also shows his own lack of confidence and his very harmful character.
My presence being my vibration, the frequency which emits from my person and of which I am attuned with and which radiates from me, a person may not know what they feel, but if less than what they believe they are, they will feel weak and dominated in my presence. Strong people will love and embrace me.
The little woman, is subservient to her husband, and in doing this she believes she is behaving the appropriate way a wife is supposed to behave. Now, no one wants to see a woman acting like a shrew especially to her husband or boyfriend, but to see a docile or submissive woman to husband or boyfriend is very disheartening, especially if the man is abusive.
I mentioned African women in the beginning of the post because it is here alive and well in Nigeria and other Africans Countries, and also non African countries as mentioned earlier, women really do not have a voice, or if they do, meaning if they are educated, having jobs, there is still something within them, taught to them by their mothers that the man is their King and he must be heard and well attended to and he must be served with the highest respect.
My husband once said to me, that you American women love to control your men. What they see as controlling behavior is us making sense when we speak to them or even tying to help to make important wise decisions. I do believe in giving the man the respect he deserves, I do not advocate for any woman to disrespect him, but respect goes both ways, and as I give, I expect to receive same.
Mr. High Grade once cursed me in front of my youngest child, my daughter, one day and even went as far as to kick my Ogun pot in the heat of the argument (not surprising that less than a year later it was the Police, Ogun himself who took him out of my house). The argument was because he needed money to put gas in my car (of which we had two, but this worthless gentleman had his friend wreck one, both cars were bought by my hard work), which I hardly ever got a chance to drive because he hogged it every day.
He never worked (well not never, but hardly) and he spent all his days gambling and smoking weed. On this particular day, (by this time, I disliked him intensely, but was too compassionate to send him out, thinking he had no where to go, my soft heart worked against me in this case) he was going to hang out as usual. We had an argument earlier, so he had no money, which I supplied daily (yes, I enabled him, I admit), and the car was on E. My child and I was in the living room and he walked out, he buck shuffled at the door, and I saw, but said nothing, I just wanted him to go already!. I knew he needed money but because of the argument we had earlier and also because my daughter being there (the children did not like him, but being respectful children they never disrespected him) he was too embarrassed to ask. He knew he was a BUM, but has never admitted it to himself.
He went out side and called my phone, telling me he needed gas, he did it by way of phone, because he did not want my daughter to hear. I told him, that I had no money with, me and all I had in the house was $40.00, of which I could only spare ten because I wanted to cook for the children. On the phone he began to curse me, telling me that I was saying all this in front of my child to embarrass him, he even threatened me, and ran back upstairs into the house, cursing like a market woman knowing that he could not touch me, this bastard kicked my Ogun (God of War) pot. I was glad he did, because this was how papa Ogun moved him right out of my house and my life! Iba Ogun Yayyyyyyy!
He cried the day he left, this big bad man, cried like a baby. The free ride and sweet life was over, eleven years too late, but over nonetheless, I thank God, Modupe oooooo!
In relationships regarding man and woman, respect must be given and it must be equal. There is nothing wrong if the wife carries the household financially, this happens to Osun women, they may not know that they are Osun’s children, and one day I will explain why it is like this, but behind it all, Osun wants her children to be independent, never to be subservient or beholden to any man, Oore Yeye OOOOO, Osun OOOOO! Modupe oooooo, Yeye!.
This is and has always been my life and the life of my mother and all Osun women (true) but in balancing out the life together, the man then must play his part in other ways, earning and deserving his wife’s love, and respect. This was the case of my mother (an Osun woman I am sure) and my dad. They had the relationship where he never felt emasculated because of her unique ability to take care of the family through working and hustling between jobs. She in turn, never belittled him and his lack of job, she did what she had to do. He looked after us, cooked for us, took us to school and loved his wife deeply for her care and dedication.
Do men want docile, submissive women?
Not quite, according to relationship experts.
Some men are more attracted to sexy, vibrant, passionate, bright professional women. They are generally bored by quiet, docile, submissive women, if not initially, most definitely over time.
Other men, are more attracted to women who they perceive to be quiet, docile, submissive and more easily controlled – such as Asian, Mexican or White women.
What a nasty wake-up call when such men discover that the object of their affection informs them that will be damned, if they let any man walk all over them and treat them like crap. So goes that stereotype!
Still other men prefer a combination – sweet and spicy.
Race also plays its part in the notion of men preferring quiet, docile, submissive women.
Some Black men – trying to justify dating and marrying Other-Than-Black women say they do so, because all black women think much too highly of themselves, have bad attitudes and are gold-diggers.
The media further perpetuates this image by portraying Black women as being â€œloud, neck-rolling, sharp-tongued, ghettofabulous negresses or the simple-minded video hoe – good enough to ‘hit it and quit it’ but unworthy of a serious commitment. Ever wonder why media portrayals of docile, submissive, easily controlled, abused Black women are far and few between?
So…is the docile, submissive woman a thing of the past?
Or is a new type of woman emerging…a Strong Woman who wants a man who is…
…goal-oriented and knows why he wants to be with her and what he wants to accomplish with her
…strong enough to not allow a woman to walk all over him
…capable of handling a woman ‘testing’ him more often and with greater intensity, as a way of proving that he is as powerful today, as he appeared to be when she first met him
…just as sexually adventurous, creative and enthusiastic as she is
…capable of making her feel safe, secure and happy in a relationship – which in turn makes her want to make her man feel safe, secure and happy, in turn …stronger than she is so that she can melt into the comfort of the willing, submissive role â€“ until proven otherwise…
…a woman who is Strong-By-Day and Submissive-By-Night?
Answer these questions;
Are you the little woman? Could you be the little woman, do you evev like the term? By this I mean docile and submissive to your man?
Are these offensive questions? How do you believe a woman should treat her man and vice versa?
How do you see yourself? I KNOW I am a Queen, how do view yourself?, please share, declare who you are with certainty!
To the men, if they come, do you like a docile, submissive woman or do you admire strength and character?
How should we teach our daughters to be?
What should our sons expect from their wives or girlfriends?
Are women the weaker sex?
Or are we equal with our men, or do we stand in front of them?
Like Nigerian women, would you serve your husband on your knees and kneel before him in greeting as culture dictates?
Why with all his accomplishments do my husband feel as if he is driver and I madam, lol? Although I show him much love and care. I do like the name Madam however, it makes my straighten my shoulders and smile, for that I am and more, him being driver is HIS problem, abi? (right?)
Let us reason today!
Ẹni tó ṣu lè gbàgbé, ṣùgbọ́n ẹni tó fọwọ́ ko ò lè gbàgbé /
The person who defecated might forget but not one whose hand was smeared with it….. Yoruba Proverb
[Those who created a problem won’t feel its impact as those who had to bear the brunt of the problem]
All religion are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…. Obara Meji!
There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned!….Obara Meji