In Jamaica, we have a saying which goes ” A little Joke is better than quarrel”, here I have compiled a list of jokes sent to me by some people who knows how much I love to laugh. I hope you will enjoy them as much as I did! I love my Jamaican people, can I say that enough lol!
Have a laaf nuf……Dis one ya tek di ratid kake!
A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that; there are different Hells
for each country of the world.
First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there.
First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you
on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips
you for the rest of the day. The man doesn’t like this Hell so he moves on.
He goes to the US Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the UK Hell,
and discovers that they are all the same.
Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting
to get in and asks, ‘Which Hell is this?’ Someone tells him,
‘A Jamaican Hell dis.’ ‘What do they do in here?’ he asks.
‘Well, fus dem put you pon electric chair, then dem lay you
pon a bed of nails for an hour, then de Jamaican Devil come an
whip yu ass fi de res of de day!’ ‘But that is just like all the other Hells,
‘ The man said. ‘Why is the line so
long?’ ”Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the current always lock off,
the electric chair naah wuk, sumbady tief di nail dem, and di Jamaican
Devil a rhattid public servant, so him come in an’ punch him time card,
den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!
Don’t ramp with dem Jamaicans!!
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, I have to talk to you.
I have a problem. I know we didn’t have many Jamaicans in heaven so
you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have
10,000 Jamaicans in heaven.
But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the
Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their
bredrin through the fence. They are constantly hanging out by the gate
disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for a ‘bly’ for their baby modder,
cousin, sistren, bredda, neighbor, granny, auntie….
Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in
heavy, good looking women. They have stolen my harp. They have gotten
jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold
all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one
wing because they are ‘STYLING’. Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of
them have put on chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when
they are flying.
The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day.
Some haven’t washed their robes since they arrived because they didn’t come
to heaven to ‘slave’. Some have refused to take their turn in helping
keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because ‘dem ah no helper’. Many who
came here because they used salt are still using it because they don’t
like ‘ital’ food.
Some refuse to wear their halos because ‘it will mess up their
hairdo’. Some are wearing it backways. Others are wearing it with the tags still attached to them. Others
have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead; they
claim these are ‘bashy’. Most of the women have discarded their white
robes and are wearing ‘batty riders’ claiming that they have pretty sk
in and want to show off their ‘bandy legs’.
Reggae music is blasted at all hours of the night. Their cellular
phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers.
Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
claims he was only ‘checking out’ Eve. They have planted ganja in the
Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming ‘man and man
haffi hustle’. What should I do?!’
The Lord said, ‘It wouldn’t be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven.
They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe
we just don’t know how to deal with them and are using the wrong
approach. Let’s check with someone who has more experience dealing with them.
Let’s call the Devil.’
The Devil answered the phone and said, ‘Hello, Lord. What can I do
for you?’ The Lord said, ‘We have a problem up here, and we’d like to talk
to you about it.’
The Devil said, ‘Just a minu te, I’ve got to put you on hold.’
The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said,
‘OK Lord, I’m back. What’s up?’ The Lord said, I would like to talk to
you about a problem up here.’ Again the Devil excused himself and put
the Lord on hold for fifteen minutes this time.
Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, ‘Lord, I am
really sorry, but I can’t talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
Jamaicans down here….. I don’t know where they found water, but they
have put out the fire and yesterday they even had air conditioning
installed saying “de place too hot” and ‘man come yah fe chill’.
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up
> like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety
> Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40
> running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention
> to di ConDucta who will instruc’ yuh on our safety and model features.
> ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di
> safes’ bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our
> bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis
> moggle can survive any adversities an’ cantravasies. As unnu can si dis
> bus get nuff lick up an’ bad man shot it up nuff time an’ it still a
> drive like new!
> This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to
> excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di s! treets. So
> expect to ‘ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.
> Durin’ di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences……….
> dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain
> fram bawlin’ out “Lard Jesus mi dead now!” Our driva is an experience
> driva an’ will mek sure di axle an’ wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem.
> But in case we drap inna one an ca’an come out.
> Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus
> fare……. or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45.
> Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di railin’ when
> dibus a tun di cana dem. De bus is capable of drivin’ pon 2 wheels
> ‘roun’ all canas an’ bends. When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2
> wheelie, wi ask dat we seated passengers bear it if s’maddy slide dung
> inna dem seat an’ squash yuh ‘gainst di bus side. We seated pa! ssenger s
> may experience standin’ passengers losin’ dem balance an’ falling ova
> pon unnu … please no yell out, “ey batty bway, coom aff a mi r*ss
> lap!” Dat might cause a serious shootout!
> On exiting de bus please don’ expect di bus to come to a full stop.
> Wi askin’ dat yuh hop aff a di bus an’ step skillfull …. if unnu drap
> an’ lan’ pon unnu backside an’ bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response.
> Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta a fact wi stop any which
> part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate – all ina miggle road wi stop.
> Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police … in case of an unexpected police
> chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus’ normal speed from
> 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet
> unnu mout.
> In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris’ known as “Pickpocket”,
> hole di bway an’ mu! rda ‘im , to r*ss. Dat said, if wi reach downtown
> inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before
> unnu can get aff Noh mine dem ….. seat kina ration.
> Tank yuh for tekin’ di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route…. and
> hope you enjoy di ride.
> DRIVA – PRESS OUT!
> Author Unknown
An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead daughter arrived from foreign.
Dear Mama and Papa
Sarry seh mi couldn’t mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high.. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef han
God bless yu and spare yu life,
Your loving daughter,
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Guntur, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims “If Pastor Sitompul stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda Jazz, to transport their children!”
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Henry, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If Pastor Sitompul will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education at USU for his children!”.
More sighs and loud applause….
Yuliana age 68, stands and announces with a smile, “If Pastor Sitompul stays, I will give him Sex!”.
Pastor Sitompul blushing, asks her: “Yuliana, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”.
Yuliana’s 70-year old husband, Martua, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’
And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’
In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than the aAAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
‘I am so sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?’
..’It’s swollen,’ Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
‘If you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey’s cage for a couple days, I’ll pay you.’
The Jamaican immediately accepted.
The pay was OK and the work wasn’t hard.
He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself.
He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV.
Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.
The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawl out,
‘LAWD, MI DED NOW!’
The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered,
‘Man, shut yuh mout nuh, suh we can keep di likkle wuk!’
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLyDear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read
and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
you can do.
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in
a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back
to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to
give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum set, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay;
I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses
of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a Jamaican Rastaman. They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ” Timbuktu “.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination – Timbuktu
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Rastaman top that, they thought.
The Rastaman calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
so I buck one, and Timbuktu .
The Rasta won!!
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He
sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?”
Happy Mental Health day!
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s an elderly man
and figures he’s not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and
says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?'" Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says. Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'" 'Nope', she replies. Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS" To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat." Ah lickle joke betta dan quarrel....Jamaican Proverb! All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love...Obara Meji