Tonight for our book club discussion we have a very heavy topic to deal with, and for all week we have been dealing with topics which were very deep also. Today I will go light or perhaps try to. I will not write too much on this topic, but with what little I will write today, I ask for all participants in the days discussion to tell their own feelings or thoughts upon the titled topic, Forgiveness. Have you done it, can you do it, what is forgiveness to you?
When I went through all that I had been through with family and the Wicked baby father, so called friends and others, and I moved on from them and have even cut them off, most of them I should say (parents are not completely cut off). I never put it in thought that I had forgiven them. I thought that life and for the survival of my mind, my mental well being, forced me to keep it moving and not to stay angry and bitter.
There were times feeling angry and bitter and hurt felt so good. Hating the enemy and feeling resentment against them, wishing them all evil and having evil thoughts against them were comforting to the soul and spirit and warming to the heart. Having someone “Talk” to you, begging you to let it go and forgive, often times became a nuisance to the mind consumed with hate and revenge. The need to stay bitter and angry was greater than the need to calm down or be calmed down. There are times, bitterness felt/feels good, but how do you go on or move forward when you keep remembering and not letting go of the pain which another did to you or did to someone for you, someone you love?
When my first child, a girl, which I had for the Big Bad Wolf, read here was five years old, I had gotten a call while at work from my parents, who were babysitting for me at the time, telling me that I needed to come home because my daughter was having a asthma attack. I was living with the wicked baby father and had a son for him at the time, (His first child, my second). I called him before I left work, he had the boy with him while I was at work, but no answer. I hurriedly left work and headed for my parents home to pick up my child to take her to the hospital. My parents met me at the doctors office with her, it was October but the winter was in a hurry to come, so that day was very windy and extremely cold.
I took her in to see her Pediatrician, but was told that her attack was severe so I should immediately take her to the emergency room. I called Sir wickedness again and he answered, I told him where I was and to hurry and come, I was crying by this, worried for my child, she could barely stand (these memories are hard for me). There I stood on the sidewalk of the doctors office, amidst strong cold wind, which howled and sang and whistled, this was about seven o’clock in the evening, with a child who struggled to breathe, my heart pounding, trying to hail a taxi while waiting for “HIM” to come, but no taxi stopped for me. I was scared for my child and praying that I got to the emergency room in time.
He came, pulled up in his Black car, he had my son in the front seat with him, I hurriedly lifted my daughter and ran to open the car door, it was locked. I pounded on the glass, the wind had picked up speed and developed teeth which seemed to bite into my skin, while kissing my cheeks with cold lips, as I shouted for him to unlock the door. He rolled down the window and told me no, he would not take us to the hospital, and he drove off.
He drove off! The mother F***er drove off!!…. God was good and a man stopped, a taxi and took us to the emergency room, she was admitted and spent five days in the hospital. I told everyone what he did, most people were shocked, but interestingly when I told his father, who according to his bitch of a mother was/is the exact thing as his wicked son, when he was younger, age had quelled him a bit, the father told me straight up, he said that he did not believe that his son could do something like that. I asked him if he was calling me a liar, he said no, but he refused to believe it, and that was it he would say no more. Is whey dem people deh did come from. They are both alive,the old crow and de husband.
I have already told you here on Embracing spirituality that if I were to tell all that I suffered at the hands of the “wicked baby father”, my words could fill a collection of encyclopedias, the books would be that thick, and I probably still would not be done. If I should do the same of how my parents treated me (the good years were in Jamaica) the mal treatment came after we migrated, then I could fill a library, maybe I am exaggerating, who the hell knows, but I certainly been through a lot. My sisters took advantage of the fact that the parents had no love for me and “they” did their wickedness also, the wicked baby father’s, equally wicked and cruel mumma, (I cannot call her a mother, it feels too decent for her, although she was a good one to some of her children I suppose, some ah de oddas have some stories), did her own share of cruel acts against me and she had spawned she and he devils children all born with pitch fork, tail and all!
The wicked man’s mother had an interesting story amid her evil character. (Please somebody help me stop writing, I promised I would not write for long, but the memories keep coming!), she was treated very badly by her wicked mother who had her living for years under the cellar, she developed asthma under there, and had two children while living under that very cellar. Her mother lived to be over a hundred and she never forgave her!
Yet, when I and her son parted ways, and things were tough for me, she would tell her son not to give me anything, and if we asked for food she told him to buy food only for the children, make sure nothing was there, none there for me to eat from, (I am in tears now Y’all!) The memories, the memories!! Yazzy, you will read this whole entire post!
Now, listen here, listen here! I am not seeking pity in telling my story, nor do I want you to cry or feel sorry for me (aldoe me ah cry), I have since gotten over that and them. Believe me when I say that I am over all that they did to me, over it I am! I have gotten the spiritual answer as to why I had to go through these things, I am alive and well, and I nor my children saw “devastation” out of what we went through! I am free from them all, and I am happier than them all, I truly am!
The pain which they inflicted on me, all of them, that hurt while I was going through it, I now process differently in hindsight. I have forgiven them all.>>>>> Breakesssss!!!!!!!!!>>Forgive them as in none of them are in my life, I have no relationship with any of these people, except my parents which I refuse to cut off, because I love them despite all I went through with them, but I really deal with them from afar. I find that when I am around my parents, I feel less than myself, I am uncomfortable, and I feel tears prick my eyes ever so often while I am around them, Often times I gaze far away, and memories come rushing back, like high tide at the sea shore. So I stay away from them, I stay away.
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).
“lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness”, This part of the definition is how I feel, along with dismissing them from my mind, I am numb to them, I have no feeling toward them, no hate, or love, like, or dislike, no feeling at all, but if they were hungry I would feed them, naked I would clothe them, mi nuh sure bout de shelter, probably but not in my house! I am no saint, but I do have compassion, compassion over load, and I believe that it is my compassion that has brought me this far. When you pray, pray for compassion!
I have no idea if all which I have let go of was voluntary, or I just moved ahead and let them all behind me, perhaps something inside of me healed my mind and cleanse it from becoming bitter. Again, I have no feelings for them, other than that I do not want them in my space ever again. I am done with them, numb to them. People asked me why I never took the wicked man to child support court, and I say, I wanted no part of him, none at all, so child support court to me, meant interaction at some point or the other with him, and I did not want that. I settled for peace of mind and God did the rest.
I will not give a speech on forgiveness, I want us talk about it today, so as usual read my story, add yours if you have one and let us reason on the topic of forgiveness, how do you feel about it, can you do it, how often have you forgiven and do you believe you can!
Tí ìtàkùn bá pa ẹnu pọ̀, wọ́n a mú erin so. /
If creeping plants could unite, they’ll easily tie up an elephant…..yoruba Proverb!
[Together, we can do more; there’s no telling what can be achieved with unity.]
All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…..Obara Meji!
There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned…..Obara Meji