This post relates very well with the recent post which I did titled Difficulties InLife. I have been doing topics based on inspirations recently, not purposely, but this is what comes out when I sit down to write. Perhaps I have been bitten by an inspiration bug, if such a bug exists, I have no idea, but I have learned not to fight life so I do not. I wrote about a man here in this post and I promised my self not to write about him, but as I write, it seems as if I leave and another takes my place, one who do not give a damn about what goes out into cyber world.
One who has no care of what anyone thinks, one who is sure and confident and hold the reins of my life in her hands as she walks with me along life’s way, assuring me that all will be alright, I will be alright. I like her. I itch to remove him from the post, remove what has been written about him here, but I find I cannot, and so you are again introduced to apart of my life which I really wish not to deal with, openly. What the hell is wrong with me? This is a serious question not a joke, but let me relax and trust, I must trust.
Finding your strength at times in life can be very challenging. Life it self is a challenge, it matters not where in the world you live your struggles economically, emotionally and otherwise can be exhaustive. Not everyone was born in this world to be rich and even the rich have their problems which at times maybe greater than the poor mans own. Bottom line is we all struggle at some point in our lives and have to pull forth all that we have within us to manage, deal with or cope. Life challenges us into finding our strengths. It is astonishing to me that in recent times the amount of suicides I have heard about through the media. I was saddened by the amount of young people, teenagers who committed suicide in Jamaica in recent years. Suicide is never the way, because as I have stated before in other posts, when a person does this they will have to come back to live that very same life all over again, maybe without a voice, if the means in which they left was by hanging, or perhaps with born with some kind of deformity, depending in how they checked out of life.
There are so many things to face as we travel along life’s ways, and it depends on the strength of your character in how you will deal with it and cope or manage. To smile in the face of adversity is a very hard thing to do, and many people who seem to have physical strengths lacks emotional strength sometimes. Everyday someone, somewhere comes up against something in their life which either breaks them, makes them cry, challenges them, give them grief, pain, sorrow, heart ache or they believe that there is no way out. Read my post Hope. A terminal diagnosis for anyone seems like doom for that person and their family, someone loosing their job even if it is them alone, no wife/husband or children, it is still terrifying a thought not to be able to fend for yourself, as well as the person who has a family to care for, a person threatened with the prospect of losing a limb, someone who wants to leave a toxic relationship, a person faced with eviction, someone who has lost their parents or a family member and many other things. How do you find the strength to deal with atrocities?. How do you move on and begin again? When life throws you that curve ball, what do you do, how do you handle it?
My dad told me that as a young boy his mother gave him away, twice.This was common practice in Jamaica in the age of our parents. I am not sure if it is as common nowadays in Jamaica, but I am sure these practices still occur all over the world. She had eleven children with no means to support them all. On both occasions he was taken to Kingston, the first time to his Aunt. My father told us that the treatment was that of a slave and his master, he was only 12 years old at the time and when he arrived her children stopped doing chores, all was given to him. One day she sent him to the shop and bad luck met him on the way and decided to spoil the day for him, he lost the money. Worried as would anyone, he went home and told the aunty, who said nothing to him. He wondered why and was soon to find out in the most disturbing way that evening. The woman prepared the evenings meal and called everyone to the table including my father, who was the most hungry since he had not eaten since the evening last. The meals were shared out for everyone and my father received his as well. It is also common practice in Jamaica for all to say Grace (pray), before eating and so they all clasped their hands and closed their eyes and said their grace, after they were done they picked up their forks to eat, my father had a rude awakening, just as he picked his fork up, the aunt stretched across, plucked the plate from before him and gave it to the dog, they all laughed. The next day my father ran away and found his way back home, to his mother. He was given away again and met the same treatment and did the same thing. My father said the second time he went home, his mother hugged him and cried while he cried and she promised him that she would never give him away again, no matter what, he said she told him if there was one banana to share, it would have to do. They survived! As a boy, he missed his family,missed his mother, but he made up his mind amid mal treatment and left. It was do or die and he did. The mother, although she suffered and did what she did believing that it was for the best, the child would be provided for, after a second time of him coming back home and telling of the things he went through, she made up her mind to face the world with her children regardless of the challenges and so she did.
We are all stronger than what we think. It is often times fear which holds us back from finding our strength. When faced with problems, we, most of us, becomes worried at first about all the things we think will happen because of the problems we face. Fear grips us and hold us and torment us into thinking often times that this is it, there is no way out! No solution, and eventually when we are able to calm down and breathe and think , it is until then that we realize that our minds, through fear, have blown things up more than it really is. There were times in my life when I did not know what to do. When faced with problems I became numb. For the most part I had no support system in terms of friends and family, so I had to recover on my own, trusting God and my ancestors who are always with me. After the children’s father, I eventually got with someone else. I waited long before I began another relationship, so afraid to try again. Something about ganja man and me, ah doe know but I may have to see a therapist about this, (no therapist, just joking lol). Any way, this one seemed sincere and good, and he was for the most part, but after a while I realized that he was crazy, at least that is what I thought.
I will not go into his story too deep, as it still hurts, not because I miss him or I love him but because it took me so long to get out, to run, bail, cut, skip, skedaddle, do a Usain Bolt or a Shelly-Ann Fraser sprint. I stayed and put up with his strange mood swings, because he was man number three and I thought that was too much. I grew up seeing my mother and father together and I wanted that life, with just one man, but that was not to be. When I realized that this was number three, I felt bad, because in my mind that was two men too many. So I stayed with Mr, High Grade and prayed for him to change. I had prayed to God before I met him that the next man I met would not be a cheat, he would come home every night, he would love my children and me as well and we would love him too. I forgot to tell God to make sure that he was sane, not a functioning mad man under the guise of a Ganja smoking bad man, ( I am laughing at my self as I type, what a life, lol), but seriously I took his behavior which made me and the children so uncomfortable because I had hoped that he would one day change and calm down. I supported the household, I supported him. I had no problem with that, (I have always been independent, having a man home with me changed nothing), because he seemed to want to go out in the street and hustle and I did not want that. I did not want to be caught up in the world of hustling and what came with it, as it were with the children’s father and also I was Obara Meji, someone who helped people daily spiritually with their problems, I was well known and respected.
What would I look like to see my man on Cops? With “Bad boys, bad boys what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you”, singing in the back ground? So I stayed and gave myself all sort of excuses, he is not a cheat I told myself, he comes home every night, he loves me, he is a little bi-polar but the weed helps to calm him down, if I leave him where will he go, I would ask myself and I held on to what had died within months of him coming to America, I did not love him, I just settled. I brought him here, to this country, I felt responsible for him. The time came about a couple years ago when I made up my mind to say no more. It was a battle to end the relationship, he realized he had it good and the behavior which he believed he used to possibly manipulate the relationship he soon realized that it never worked on me. All of a sudden he was willing to change and try to calm his moods and respect my Orishas (which he kicked when he got angry, Ogun at that) and my ancestors and my shrines which he met upon coming here, he begged to stay and promised to become the better person. While he tried everything to stay I had to stand firm on my decision to break the relationship. I had to find that strength. There were times when I felt sorry for him, and I wanted to say stay, but I had to hold it. When He left he went to a family member’s home, he would call me and tell me that he was not doing too good outta road. I would meet him behind my children’s back and give him money and food, he liked my cooking and I still bought him clothes and shoes and pay his phone bill, Although I got rid of him, my heart was still soft for him, not love, no not love. I worried how he would manage and how he would survive without me holding his hands. Wha wrong wid me and man doe eeh God? I had stop loving him long ago, and I knew it, I believe he knew it too, although my actions never showed it. He had killed that love or perhaps I never loved him at all, I wonder at times, probably the ganja fascination, something bout Jamaican men I tell you!. My compassionate nature makes me mother everyone, even my mother, when she lets me in close. I had to cut him off and out of my life if I were to get on with it. So I mustered the strength and it was not easy but I did it.
We are not weak people. We all have a certain strengths within our core being. We need to take the time to find it, when faced with life’s decisions and faced with adversity. We need to stare fear in its face and tell it to hold a proper F*&k off! When faced with dilemmas look for your strength within, it is there. Your knees never wear out, pray, fast, ask God for guidance, find someone to talk to, if you can, seek therapy, find your Priest or Imam, call upon your inner spirit, look to the hills from whence cometh your help, fall on Hope, because once there is life there is hope. Pray for the courage to face the problem, remove pride as in hubris, get rid of shame, all these are fooling emotions, they hold you back from your truest potential, they back you into a corner, and nail you to the proverbial cross, like fear they imprison you, if you let them . If you worked in corporate and you are sacked or laid off and you may now have to sell on the roadside to feed your family, do not fear, do it. It would be better to do so than to steal, where your life or freedom will be jeopardized. Be willing to pull up the boot strings and trod forward, facing life head on and believing. Finding your strength during difficult times will come, we go into survival mode when challenged and we, most of us over come. I cannot stress meditation enough, because it within these quiet times and peaceful moments that you are able to build the muscles of your mind, gain the amour of strength, become in touch with you, through this simple exercise you will gain a lot. It is possible to heal yourself through meditation, sending light throughout the body and heal. Believe you can and you will!
Ẹní bá mọ inú rò, á mọ ọpẹ́ ẹ́ dá. /
Whoever can reason well, will know how to remain ever grateful….Yoruba Proverbs!
[Maintain a heart and an attitude of gratitude.]
All religion are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…Obara Meji!