POLYGYNY/POLYGAMY-WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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Last night during Book club Discussion Yazzy our blogger asked the question about Polygamy. Actually she said that she saw where I mentioned in a comment or a post that I agree with the act, to which I corrected her in stating that I did not agree with it, but I understand it, after it was explained to me from an African. I see  polygyny/polygamy in Africa first hand, and while the whole concept after it was explained to me is understandable when you really think about it, for certain people it just would not work. Polygyny is man being allowed to have more than one wife, Polygamy is the ability to have more than one wife or husband, men and women can do this as opposed to Polygyny which only pertains to men. The more than one husband thing appeals to me, bad, nah tell no ie!

The article below is one I found this morning on the internet, but I had originally written on this subject before. In the story I had posted before I told a story of Alhajji in Nigeria, I will copy and paste that which I wrote here;

This morning I sat at my computer wondering what subject will I write on today. I am not a good typist and I am very spontaneous, so I do not plan ahead before I put a topic up. I just sit and write, then I go off down memory lane, some memories as many of  you know  are very painful for me to re-visit, but as I sit here this morning, my many life experiences becomes alive in my head, begins to swirl around, probably saying “pick me, pick me”, lol.

I woke up this morning to someone banging the gate of our compound and saw that it was Alhajji, a friend of my husband who would often come to visit us sometimes and was a very funny man, funny as in comedian. The name Alhajji tells us that he is Muslim and has made pilgrimage a  to the Holy City Of  Mecca, which for Muslims is like Christians going to Jerusalem, Jews going to Israel, Orisha people going to Ile Ife and the Rasta man going to Ethiopia, earning him this very prestigious name/title and for a woman who has made the trip to Mecca she would be referred to as Alhajja. Alhajji was here to see my husband because yesterday his first wife was at our compound to report Alahjji. Alhaii has three wives, but according to the first wife Miriam, he had not been home in a month. Meanwhile we saw Alhajji everyday with his sweetheart on our compound,… oonuh notice mi sey sweetheart, ?…not included in the three wives enuh, bad ei si!!, and I am not laughing, although I like him I do not condone those kinds of behavior, but I observe and say nothing….. Miriam has five children for Alhajji, and the other wives each had two. They all did not live in the same household, but they all spoke and were friendly to each other, and referred to each other as “my wife”…(We Jamaican women couldn’t handle this yah at all, we too aggressive and territorial, not even sister Jezebel and the Empress dem from uppa Bobo hill wouldda good wid this, no sah!).

Miriam begged my husband to talk to Alhajji because the children at home were asking for their dad, the youngest one was three months old, and also people were talking, and she also told him that the other wives had already reported Alhajji to her. So my husband sent one of our boys, after trying to get Alhajji on the phone without success, to give him a message to come see him on our compound so that the matter could be resolved. This is what I love about Africa and African people. The interest of everyone is a community affair. If there is a problem elders of the family or of tradition or community leaders or heads are called in for a meeting to resolve an issue. The propaganda which have been made up by the media to stigmatize Africans as Savages, Neanderthals, Illiterates, and more is far from the truth. I am not saying that there are no thieves and bad people here but no more than everywhere. The family and community unit is is strong, solid and binding. I cannot say it enough, I am a proud African!

I try not to be judgmental because I know for sure that all that happens in life good or bad are for us to learn from, so we must focus and be objective at all times. Being judgmental closes our minds and blinds us from reality and certain truths revealed to us through physical beings and non-physical ones. Approach everything with an objective mind, this is how you will learn and understand situations deemed incomprehensible or which stretches the limitations of our minds.

I know it is not easy because we all (most people) have our minds already set on how certain things ought to be and when we observe or are privy to what we believe should or should not be so, we judge, this is human emotions operating off limitations. Apart from having three wives Alhajji has girlfriends, these he has to hide from the wives, but I am sure they know because we see him around town and at every party with a different woman every month. I complained to my husband about Alhajji’s behavior because it bothered me, (I am no busybody but I was offended by his waywardness, having already three wives) bad enough he had all those wives but girlfriends??!  is what him have so special?  And I did not like that influence around my husband, lol, yes man, mi Jamaican self come out and bad him up pon it. I could not help it.

He laughed and told me that they were of two different character and Alhajji destiny was not the same as his so I should calm down and with wisdom and clear understanding I did. I once asked someone here in Africa about this polygyny/polygamy, why was it accepted and allowed to happen, and he said it was the best thing! Shocked but never showing it, I asked him to explain.

He said that there are many different circumstances why a man would want more than one wives and many reasons why the woman would accept to be apart of an extended family. According to him if the man marries the first wife and they have children and are happy together with no problems the possibility to be tempted to step out of his marriage and have a relationship or sex with another woman is always present regardless of his love and devotion to his current wife, who knows what tomorrow may bring?. The temptation of the flesh is real and rather than having a “girlfriend” and sneaking about the place with her, and when the wife calls he cannot answer his phone or he lies. Also if she becomes pregnant he is responsible not only for the child but also for her and he cannot abandon her or hide her or the child so he brings her into the family as his second wife, or as the Yoruba call it Iyawo! first wife is Iyale if she is the only wife then it is Iyawo which means wife  (E-yah-wo Iywo or E-yah-lay- Iyale)...ohh note this.. As a rule, he must discuss this with the first wife and she must agree before the second wife comes into the family, if she resists, then family from both sides are called in for a meeting, if resistance is still met often tmes the man will still go ahead and marry the girlfriend but he will allow her to have her own home or apartment. The JuJu in these kind of relationship is plenty howeverOften times the man will marry and the other wives smiles and welcome the new wife, but give her hell with Juju and the families join in wid de obeah..lol..sometimes they turn the Juju on the children and even kill the husband. It is a good thing for us to try and understand other people culture, to step outside our box with an open mind and plus it makes for an interesting topic at a dinner party..

Then there is within the traditional  practices when a person becomes initiated and receives Ifa, he is told through his life’s plan (Odu) by the other priests/babalawos  that he will have more than one wife, some are told that he can only have one wife, again it depends on his Odu. With this there is no choice, because it has been predicted ,written out by you before you come from heaven to earth, This is also practiced within the Islam religion and the women are mentally prepared to accept this from an early age and the men are expected to carry it through according to the holy Koran. However Imams and practicing muslims have told me that a man is to marry his brothers wife, if he is killed and cannot be there for his responsibility, marry in way of taking her and the children on, it was not meant for him to be intimate with her, but dem tun it fi dem way!

To further understand this very interesting subject let me share this article with you. I know it is long, but read it at your leisure, information is knowledge and knowledge can never be bad…also tek in de video up top!

 

Irun ò ni kún kí abẹ ma lè ge. / 
The hair can’t be so bushy that the blade won’t be able to cut it. Yoruba Proverb!

[No impossibility]

All religion are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…..Obara Meji!

There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned…..Obara Meji

 

Read This

http://www.theperspective.org/polygyny.html

Longtime post from Embracing Spirituality below have a read;

POLYGAMY!!!

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JUJU WEATHER WAR IN NIGERIA CONCERNING OUR IFA FESTIVAL | Embracing Spiritualitycharles206CamiYazzyTy Recent comment authors

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[…] you all remember him with the three wives and a host of girlfriends from the Polygamy post? read here, well after they were able to calm down My Oluwo, he instructed Alhaji to drive the rain back. […]

Yazzy
Blogger
Yazzy

Goodnight my loves. Mi dis a reach… work was cray’ … sorry mi late.

I’m gonna read and ketch up! Unuh nuh badda disappear pan mi eenuh. Mi wi shame LOL!

Ps, mi love man eenuh suh mi feel fi guh research weh mi can freely practise polygamy! Me and mi 7 man dem! Ayeeeeeeeeee! BUT nuh badi nah KNOWINGLY tun mi inna no umuch umuch wife! HELL NO! 😀

Ty
Blogger

Thank you Nyaha for sharing your customs…I love to learn about others….

Nyaha I loved that there is no English equivalent to words in your language….

Ty
Blogger

Hey Obara

Ty
Blogger

Well I certainly accept the cultural, social and economic reasons behind polygamy….it really is just another social structure….for me, as long as women, Have a choice as whether or not they can enter in these marriages, it is ok by me…I have no first hand knowledge and so only basing my thought on what I have read and heard…it appears that polygamy is a complex social structure that has more to do with economics, population growth, and culture…and has less to deal with love…. I feel love is the strongest force there is ….so I wish that love played a… Read more »

Cami
Member
Cami

I’m at work and I swear I wish I wasn’t…this post is hot.

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

Charles, how are you?

My great grandfather had one one wife, he and my great grandmother liked it that way. Its a choice, you can choose what works for you. I agree that nowadays its used as a way to justify cheating. I do think that women need to know the rights they have when it comes to being a wife, 1, 2 or 3. If anyone violates those rights in the marriage their should be consequences, divorce can be one of them.

charles206
Blogger

If I love my wife, why would I want to take another wife. I know it’s our culture to marry as many wife. Come to think of it, it’s called greed. If we encourage marrying as many as possible, we equally encouraging divorce. Alhaji is a womanizer. Teach, bear in mind that most time, the husband will use juju to tame the woman. I don’t have tell you this teach, you understand what, im saying. No woman can stand the sight of seeing his man with another woman, not to mention marrying another wife. I’m made of black and im… Read more »

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

Toy, Muslims do not practice polygamy like traditional Kikuyus. Obara Meji, I mean that a “husband” is not necessarily a man. It can be a woman. A wife is always a woman because she is the one who gives birth to children. This is going to be long lol. The husband is the one whose family asks for a wife, the husband is the person who provides the home (in today’s time it can be translated as the primary person who contributes financially to the home). There are certain responsibilities the husband has, one someone dies, born, when their children… Read more »

Toy
Member

Well do Muslims practice polomagy the way that Africans do that are not Muslim?

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

Yes it is illegal. Lots and lots of money is being given to raise up the issue so it can be legal. GOD FORBID it happens. It, like other aspects of foreign culture is killing our own culture. We do not have the mechanics to deal with it. I feel so sorry for elders and older people, they hear words, see certain things and it just kills them. They can’t understand how people can do such things.

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

I don’t get how the women agreed either, maybe the man was able to convince the four women. IF it is an African wedding, its not JUST about the people getting married. How he (and maybe them) were able to convince the families, I don’t know.

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

One of the articles talks about a man who married four women at the same time. Now that I have never heard of before. I don’t know how those women’s families agreed to that.

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

totally AGREE!!!!!!

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

Cami, the wife stays with the husband. The husband usually stays in the same area as his or her family.

Obara Meji, I am feeling that. I don’t understand homosexuality at all. I don’t get its logic, I don’t get how it helps or aids the family. It does not make sense to me. Polgyyny, I get that, I am not in a polygynous marriage but I do understand it.

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

The wives of the same husband, to my understanding (observing it) refer to each more like sisters or friends (they call each other mama of the first child, which is common all over Kenya). They do refer to their husband as “our husband”. Oh yes! The mother in law and other family members will refer to the wife as “our wife”. Because when you get married you marry the whole family not one person. The mother in law does play a special role in regards to the wife. She is the one who teaches the wife how to cook special… Read more »

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

Obara Meji, I HATE how people take something they know nothing about and turn into something that can push their agenda.

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

It is NOT African in anyway! Homosexuality I mean.

Let me clarify something, Kikuyu are a group of people, our marriage system is complicated. Kikuyu marriage is NOT about women marrying women, it has to do with a husband marrying a wife and the families involved.

Cami
Member
Cami

Ponder this: We reversed nature by burning and pulling a civilized nigger apart and bullwhipping the other to the point of death, all in her presence. By her being left alone, unprotected, with the MALE IMAGE DESTROYED, the ordeal caused her to move from her psychologically dependent state to a frozen, independent state. In this frozen, psychological state of independence, she will raise her MALE and female offspring in reversed roles. For FEAR of the young male’s life, she will psychologically train him to be MENTALLY WEAK and DEPENDENT, but PHYSICALLY STRONG. Because she has become psychologically independent, she will… Read more »

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

The situation in Kenya is varied, like all marriages. In the cities, in middle and upper classes polgyamy is not that common. Meaning where one man is married is married to several women. It is not that rare for one man to be married and have several mistresses though. In the rural areas it is a little bit more common. Christianity has changed the traditional dynamics of marriage and marriages. So now its a complicated institution. In my family, my maternal grandfather had three wives. He was a deacon so he “divorced” two BUT traditionally he did not “divorce” them… Read more »

NuNu
Blogger

First off God bless that brother that can deal with more than one female emotions at the same time,lol
I don’t see anything wrong with it, if they can make it work then go for it

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

MTH don’t be suprised, it might work in Jamaica. For instance the spouses can “compete” with the spouses of another family. So its not about the children of one family but that one family competing against other children. LOL

nyaha1
Blogger
nyaha1

good afternoon good people. interesting topic… just read all the articles and comments…

MTH
Blogger
MTH

Big up heverybody. I think poly wouldnt work too well in Jamaica. My shallow reasoning, is that as a people, we are very competitive. So the children that my hussy has wid Lulu (Toy mi a teef yu matey name) must not do better than my children. So the competition is ramped up,whose children cuter, wear better clothes, do better in school. I can swear on all things that I hold dear tome, that I heard a girl saying she givesher kids x-amount of lunch money, because her ex-gave his son y amount and her children have to do better… Read more »

NuNu
Blogger

Good afternoon folks! Juss A quick yail up before I read

Yw
Blogger
Yw

Hmmm….this is my confession: I am a hopeless romantic. Please, do not laugh…NO mi is serious, DOAN LAUGH!! Questions: What is love? Can the depths of love be attained when involved with multiple people? Can true love only be achieved when focused on a single person? Think of this – when we interact with multiple people (even in a discussion) our attention is divided. Yes, one may hold more or most of our attention but there is still a portion set aside for each of the others… The multiple partner idea may have to do with stability but not love… Read more »

Toy
Member

I don’t know about having different wives. I wouldn’t not be happy to share nights with wife 2,3 and 4 if my husband is going to allow me to have a boyfriend when he is with Lulu on Thursday. I will be ok with it.

Toy
Member

Morning Obara and Es fam bam. Cami, want to apologize for not being able to come to the discussion last night. It look likes you all had it on lock last night. Going to read

Yw
Blogger
Yw

Ok….This is a…tricky one….Polygyny & Polygamy: I believe in fairness, therefore, if there is honesty and openness, then I can see no fundamental wrong in that idea. To my mind, there is an underlying issue of power,though, depending on the type of society i.e. matriarchal vs. patriarchal.
Adding children to the mix is a complication to me because, for me, each child (even if within the same relationship) requires a certain amount of attention. The more children, the less time there is to spread between them, worse if one need “special” attention.

MTH
Blogger
MTH

Teach, what your husband’s baby madda (naah call har nuh wife) did, calling and hanging up, isnt that disrespectful and as a result if you had ‘rail-up’ on her, you wouldnt be wrong (although 2 wrongs do not make a right). I dont like when people dont stay in their lanes. What a way she well like your voice fi a heng up and a call back 10 times. A she sey obsessed.

MTH
Blogger
MTH

Teach, IF you decided that you both wanted other partners, could your husband have this, since he is a King?

MTH
Blogger
MTH

Morning everyone. Interesting topic. The closest I have come to seeing anything like this is ‘My Five Wives’ on TLC. I have never watched an entire episode, but I know right away, I dont like the man’s attitude.

I personally dont know if I could deal with polygamy, however, the idea of 2 husbands really does appeal to me. LOL. I believe that after a few years with one person, inspite of how much you love that person, you may want to get to ‘know’ someone else, whether for physical or emotional affection.

Courtney
Blogger

Cami you so petty lol I love you too ! All u had to say was I missed me honey..I misses u to. I been on nights for the last two weeks and I sleep during the day. If it my cultural norm then I think it could work but I know a man with three wives in the Bahamas and it’s rife with problems. The second wife has said on occasion she is to selfish for it. If you grow up around it you are more understanding but I grow up with 2 parents and I want my own… Read more »

AMH
Blogger
AMH

The article makes a lot of sense, how the benefits could spread through many tributaries. I have always been possessive so I am not sure that I could agree to it however if I saw the benefits stretching to so many others my sense of greater good might kick in. It does seem, to me, though that it could be a slippery slope if allowed in many cultures, people are too greedy.

Cami
Member
Cami

I don’t pretty up my theories so here: If poly relationships were legal I think it would be beneficial to blacks. I believe in strength in numbers. I notice that people dislike the practice because they think of sexual activities and that one would feel lesser as a woman because of the other. No human can make me feel inferior. So those two reasons aren’t reason enough for me to discard this practice that is older than the Christian religion that came about and cite poly as EVIL and IMMORAL. I didn’t absorb Christianity, therefore I think my worldviews are… Read more »

Courtney
Blogger

Good morning farm

I don’t know bout this one. I mean ya sharing most of the time anyway but this is a lot to undertake and contend with. The economic roles have changed so much and women are doing it for themselves. This kind of relationship is a breeding ground for problems. Even though everything is laid out we are dealing with human emotions. I am not that evolved

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