Yesterday morning I sprung from my bed, turned on my computer and began to write. I told you all and everything that has been on my mind recently and even took you through some of my reflections. Imagine how I felt when I turned my back for one second and came back to see that all I had typed was gone? I had forgotten to save it!
I was honest as usual in the deleted post, and spoke about the men of my life, all of who were dirt bags, I apologize to my children for calling your fathers dirt bags, but that is the only decent English word that aptly describes them (two baby fathers for all who is new to the blog and haven’t read my whole life story as yet) odda wise ah some very dirty words meeda use fi describe dem. The choice words I have for them would be very harsh but would be effective enough for you all to know that I have a knack for picking the scums of the earth (aldoe mi get good pickney wid dem) fi deh wid.
However I will not be cussing them like that today, I will spare all of you the expletives I so enjoy using from time to time, especially for any Christians who peep over here daily. I feel sorry for the pearls they clutch whenever I become too raw with words, (de bad wud cussing which I am so fond of. I am an artist after all and must express myself). I vented in the post but ended it with love, only to see that it all had vanished. I was so shocked I felt like clutching my own pearls as the reality of it not being there hit, but unfortunately I had none to clutch. I was faced with the daunting prospect of writing again, which is torturous for me, seeing that I am no typist and typing for me is equal to pulling a tooth.
I walked back into my room with the mindset of pulling my covers up over my head and going back to sleep, the flu is still nagging, but reluctantly going away. Yet here I am, at it again writing a post, am I a glutton for punishment or what? I have a slight headache, mi back ah hot mi from sitting and typing with no support, I make too many mistakes as I type and haffi leggo some claat at the computer, NEPA (Nigerian light company) just took the light and really all I want to do today is watch Rachel Maddow as she “gives it” to Donald Trump and his cronies. Like the first post, I had no specific topic, I just wanted to vent (read here), but I have let all the vent out on the post that vanished, and now I am calm. So let me allow my fingers to do the typing which will bring us, I hope, into a post worthy of reading.
Last night as the rain fell here in Lagos, I thought about how far I have come and how now I have even more to look forward to. At times I wonder If I should be afraid of being happy. I am a happy person, but there are times when things come from out of left field and you wonder “how didn’t I see that?” I have learned that the things we don’t see coming are the things that are meant to be. The Universe has its way of teaching us. We do not dictate to it the lessons we want to learn. As for the dirt bags I have known in my life, I can only pray that there’ll be no more. Perhaps I am being too forward, but I am almost sure that many of us have met people we become involved with in life that have hurt us, and some that we too have hurt for whatever reason. We all have our reasons why we do certain things, and some of us qualify our actions to suit our conscience.
I, however, have always tried to look into myself to see if the blame was with me. We must introspect, and we must take responsibility, we must. It is the only way to move forward. We must look hard and deep to see not only “their” faults but also our own. Everything has its balance, amen? Amen!
I woke up the other night to a text message from a friend of mine venting. In the vent he cussed (bad wud) and it tickled me. I have never heard him cuss before, he is a very decent fellow. A lady had ticked him off and he had to let off steam and so he did to his trusty friend Obara, (ah me sey lean pon mi shoulder). It was the middle of the night and I awoke groggy. I read the text and tried to calm him, all would be well I told him. I then pressed play on my iPad and fell asleep to Sophia getting married to her old friend from Brooklyn.
I woke up with him on my mind as I opened my eyes. I reached for the phone and read the text again. On impulse, I wanted to tell him to ‘tell de gal guh jump inna a swamp full ah alligator.’ I am a fierce defender, especially if you are my friend and this guy is. I calmed myself, took a shower to cool my head, had some porridge, counted to ten, and then I asked him to explain what happened.
Nothing happened, he told me. She just spazzed out because he asked her a simple question regarding something she was doing. They had gone out to eat. He did not shout at her or have any attitude with her. He then told me that she was an ex that he had dug up from the past (big mistake, never head back, look forward) and they decided to start seeing each other again. What he never told me was that the relationship this time around was a sexual one, but I got it and I didn’t need to ask. It was not my business. But what was my business was my friend and how he was hurting at the behavior of this woman and for nothing, except it was not only her although he had never said it.
I was wise enough to realize that he was tired of “these kind of women” that he had met in the past and was still a part of today. In my mind I wondered if she resented him from their past relationship (perhaps he had some faults she did not like, it is possible, no one is perfect) and now that they were “seeing” each other again without commitment, she figured she could take out her resentment on him at the drop of a hat or speak to him anyhow. I am a woman, I know how some of us think, but my friend had good intentions (judging from our talks and what he is looking and hoping for), and really just wants a good relationship. Probably he settled for the “just bed” relationship because to him, for the moment it worked, perhaps wanting to take the second time around slowly.
In my mind, I saw all of this, but I remained mute on my musings. However, I told him to get rid of her. My enemy was hurt because he was hurt, and I wanted to just fight her, beat her up for hurting his feelings with her outburst and tirade of insults hurled at him. What she didn’t know was that he had embraced his spirituality and was trying to find himself, his woman, his children and his life. He was/is on a path, and was trying to be the gentleman to the woman he hoped he found. He had never had the family “home” life and longed for it. Yet he kept meeting the “Jezebels”, like me (finding the dirt bags of life), perhaps the good gal dem came and he rejected them, like me perhaps he has a knack for picking up what his spirit does not agree with, yet some how they attracted him.
I love peoples mind and ideologies, especially if they are spiritual, but the too sensitive guys, the good ones, do not attract me also. They do on some level, but for me what they’re missing is a spliff, ratchet knife, and a bottle of Guinness, (not to mention de mesh marina). Is set dem set me like this? Why don’t I like decent men? Was I Bonnie in a former life thugging it out with Clyde? I don’t think so, because if I know myself, I would not be attracted to any guy named Clyde, (my apologies to any peeper named Clyde). Jamaicans would say “nah nuh ambition”.
When you are awake, when you on a path to enlightenment, the one you choose to be your partner must be on that same path. He or she can not be asleep while you are awake. It would be like two ships passing through the night, or like night and day, they do not agree. She will get on his nerve and so will he on hers. When I calmed down and thought about him and de idiot gal (sorry mi friend, mi still ah class har), I realize that my friend too has Egbe, and so I have to help him.
He is on a path so his Ori (inner consciousness) will not allow him to be apart of anything that is not in alignment with his path, so she just ousted herself, (good riddance). It was not his loss it was hers, and I pray he takes my advice and leaves her alone, better will come for him and soon, after all I am here for him and will assist him in finding his true love. For all of you who think that yours is not out there remember the Jamaican saying: “Every hoe, have him tick ah bush”, (laughing at hoe, lol). There is someone for everyone, at the right time and in the right way. Everything has its reason. Do not worry when something fails, we hope and pray as we wonder what’s next…