September 22, 2014 Obara Meji 256Comment

Recently in the news there has been on going conversations stemming from the very disturbing video of Ray Rice knocking out his wife in an elevator. I saw the video and I must admit that it was very disturbing to me. Following the whole debacle the release of the video which I believe was released long after the incident had occurred and the couple had apparently worked out their differences and are still together, there has been a lot of talk about women in abusive relationships and why they stayed. This seem to be a new bandwagon which every body now has jumped on and are talking about.

Talk show host Meredith Vieira, told of a very disturbing and physically abusive relationship she was involved with many years ago and the reason she stayed, other celebrities also began speaking of relationships they too have been in where they have suffered some abuse or another and have endured and stayed.

I thought about what to write for today’s post, because initially I wanted to follow up on Saturdays post on Fear and Karma, focusing especially on Fear, but the “Why I stayed” Conversation was all over Google and also You tube and I reflected on some of my posts here on Embracing Spirituality and the “Wicked Baby Father”, and Why I Stayed!. Yes, there were times when he hit me (so ashamed to write this, although I have written it here before), and I remember my mother telling me that once a man put his hands on you, he would do it again. Now as I look back on the day when I ran to her the first time he hit me, and he came right behind me, chasing me to her house and begging her to send me out, she went to the door smilingly to him and told me to go home.

Now, I am not trying to put my mother in a bad light, I am just being honest about my life as always, but now that I am free to look back, (as oppose to being in that situation), I wonder why would she send me back to him. I had no where else to go, and the children were a major factor, what would happen to them, I could not leave them and he threatened me that If I left I could not take them, those times I had nothing and no one, I thought I had chosen a tough life.

Growing up in Jamaica, I witnessed men beating their women all the time as a small child, the women would most often run to my mother for rescue and she would send them into our house and stand before her front door with her cutlass, daring the man in pursuit to follow, they never tested my mom. I remember this one woman named Pet. She had moved into a room with her baby father and a small child in the same tenement where we lived in Jamaica. The man was a very tall dark skinned man called Prepps, he was a Barber who worked downtown Kingston, and as a child I remember being afraid of him. He was always very serious looking and he hardly spoke to anyone. Pet was a very short woman, she was light skin and had what Jamaicans refer to as “Pretty” hair or 3/4 coolie some would say. The man worked as how I remembered it while Pet stayed at home. She was a very clean woman and she would wash, cook and clean all day. She too was quiet and kept mostly to herself and she hardly ever smiled . I often times watched this huge strong man beat Pet,  toss her like a rag doll, she never hit back, never even tried, but endured the beatings until somebody intervened and begged him to stop, after which he would walk out of the yard and not return until the next day or the next week.

There were times when My mother had to give Pet food, and she would sit and cry, because Preps did not come home and when he did he did not give any money for food for her and the child, the beatings continued but Pet never left, perhaps she had no where to go or like me when I went through my own abuse, had no one. I was a child, I had no idea the reason but I remember feeling sorry for her. One day the man never came back, and Pet was devastated, she cried and cried for days, but she eventually moved away as she had no means of paying the rent. I never knew what happened to  her, but I have never forgotten her.

The first time he hit me was when I had taken a taxi to school. He was suppose to be out of town, he was a hustler and he would do his business out of state. He was having his own affair, which I did not know about until long after, that affair resulted into pregnancy for him and a nightmare for me. I had a particular private car pick me up every day to bring me to school, and because It was in the evenings when I went, I would stop by my mothers house for food which she would give me in a carry way dish. The cab driver and I had became good friends as he was the steady driver who would pick me up and drop me off everyday, so when he parked in front of the school, I would sit in his car and eat my food, before I went into class.

On this particular day, the same routine, the man picked me up (de bredda did fine out nuh hell enuh, an me fine out nuh hell tuh, but we had nothing going on, I have to inject humor here because these memories can be painful) and took me to my mothers house, I got my food and got to school, and began to eat. While I ate the driver and I chatted, the car door was yanked open and it was the wicked man pulling me out of the car while hitting me at the same time, shame and embarrassment made me fight back, but not as aggressively as I thought I should have that day, I was shocked at what was happening, not understanding why!

The street was full of people, this was a very busy area, and some students and teachers stood there and witnessed my shame. Then the police came, two of them, some one had called them. They took him off me, (by this, the coward taxi man run gone, or or drove off I should say, poor thing was just as frightened) I really had no idea why this man was fighting me. The cops asked me if I wanted to press charges, I stupidly said no. He was a gangster/hustler/ole prisoner/just gotten off parole I had to say no, or so I thought, so I jumped into another cab and ran to my mothers house, of course he followed and the rest you have already read up top.

True to my mothers words that was not to be the last time, he did so several times, he was jealous and his friends had told him that the same cab picked me up every day and he believed the man and I were an item, (mi get beaten fi nutten, man lick pon mi soft skin fi nutten!!).  There came a time when I did the damage after feeling disrespected and tired of his BS (yup, ah chop him wid sinting one night), and it felt good. The relationship was terrible and toxic, after a while I hated the sight of him, but I did not leave. I told myself it was for the children’s sake, but I think a part of me willed/wished him to change. I had grown up into a home with both my parents and I wanted the same for my children, I did not know that everybody’s life could not be my life, my destiny was my own. When it became unbearable I begged my so called  family to please help me, they all rejected me saying the same thing, “They did not want to get involved”.

Often times in abusive relationships there are many reasons why either party stay, because although we hear about abuse especially physical ones often with women, men are also victims too. Abuse is never ok, the Abuse I suffered was emotional more than physical and often times while the scars on the outside heals, the mental ones may stay for a long time or for some never heal at all. Our hitting sessions happened about three times, three times too many but three times there a bout never the less. The emotional abuse began almost after he was released off probation and could do as he wished and go where he liked. He was into himself, and they called him Pretty boy before his name, meaning whatever his name was, “Pretty boy” prefaced it. He was handsome, well dressed and well loved by all. He was a very quiet man, and he smiled a lot and had a lot of respect for people. This was how everyone saw him, but in home he was a villain, a devil (if he ever existed). To the world he seemed nice and perhaps I seemed miserable, because How could I smile when I was unhappy, and no one seemed to care, no one!

It was the worst relationship I had ever been in. He took the pain he gave me as fun. He smiled while I cried, and went about his business regardless what I said. He would sleep out and come home whenever he felt like it, expecting his food cooked and his clothes prepared, and I to be ready for him in the ways of a woman to a man whenever he wanted me, which was always. Whenever I denied him, he would act as if the world would end and say cruel stuff to me. I wondered about that because he had so many women, why did he act like he would die when I refused him?

What got me sad often was the shame, everybody knew how he treated me, but thought I had it good so they did not see why I should complain. All his friends who would come to our house for dinner, or to hang out with him, knew of the many women he had, he was even having relationships with some of his friends sisters and family members. The women would call my house and curse me, they would plant their friends in my shop to work for me just to watch our business, I had no idea. He would be the one to tell me to get rid of some of the girls he knew were working for me and were friends with his women, he never told me the reason. I guess there was something which made him feel bad at seeing me vulnerable to secret enemies. Yet he had affairs with some of the stylists in my shop and even solicited two of my sisters behind my back.

The first sister he propositioned never told me of it until I eventually left him, by this time all my family members knew that he had done this but they all kept it from me, she was my second oldest sister. She lived with us after he had come home from prison and he quarreled with me everyday for her to leave, she never knew how he felt because I never wanted her to feel bad and she had no where to go, so I suffered his anger toward her in silence, while he showed her a smiling face everyday. It was after she moved away when he made his wants clear to her, which she kept secret from me. The other sister was my younger sister who just suddenly stop coming to my house to baby sit while I went to school or to my shop. I missed her and wanted to know why she refused to come back to my home, again like the older sister, after I left him, it came out that he had exposed himself to her, she had told my mother who stopped her from coming to my house and told her not to tell me.

Although I had no idea that these things were happening, I had other things that I was dealing with at the hands of this terrible man, and on top of it he had some awful family members and along with my own who did not wish me well and to be happy. They all fawned over him and looked at me with contempt. All because he was rich, (he was never giving), once in a while he may hand out a few scraps but that was good enough for the vultures. They all thought, I was young and I should not have had the privilege to be with him who gave me a shop and according to them or what they thought I was living the life, Privilege? I was not! He had parents who loved him, and turned a blind eye to his “Profession”, yet they believed that as he was not giving them anything, ( he was not a kind fellow, he pretended to be but he was not) because he gave me everything and that was not true. So they resented me, especially the mother and the she-devil sisters and also P-hole of  a brother

My own family believed that I had nothing to complain about, my life was good and there was also some jealousy from the older sister, who thought that I was lucky, lol. Other people saw us and believed that while he had a lot of women I should relax and accept it because I was his “Main Woman” so I had nothing to worry about. They all pampered him. Let me force myself to stop here.

If I follow myself while writing and remembering I could go on and on and on. I know now that we came together for the purpose of my children and there were lessons learned during our time together. I have often wondered what kind of Karma did I owe for me to come back into this life and meet such a character as this man. That question was solved one day during mediation when I was told by my higher-self that he was not a Karmic debt which I had to pay, but also one of my greatest teachers. He was my first real relationship, but it set the way for me to know what I did not want in my life ever again and I am happy to say that from that day, I have never gotten involved with such an awful human being again, I thank Olodumare, I thank Osun, I than Orunmila and my ancestors, I thank my Ori, my head, not only did I meet good loving men since him, I always had control of my life and my happiness since him. He showed me during our horrible relationship, what not to accept, for that I thank him.

My reason for staying was because I had not choice, all who I sought for help turned me down, I had no where to turn and no one to turn to, but I now know that what I went through were lessons that I needed to learn. I am speaking of My own personal experience, another person will have his or her own to say. If you read most of my post, this wicked person is mentioned in almost everyone of them, even when I tired to omit him, he kept coming back as I revealed parts of my life to you. It was torturous but I survived and got away from him, he was my teacher, One of them!  All that he did to me help set me on my path, I would not trade my life for another, but if I had to go through that again, I do not know how to answer, but for now the end justified the means, I love Obara Meji.

I hardly speak to him, and only one of my children have any semblance of relationship with him, they talk here or there now and again, but whenever they speak he would always ask the boy to let him say hi to me if I am near. I had resented him for a very long time. What I have written in all of these post about our life together still has not scratched the surface of all I went through at his hands, I could call it suffered, but I have released it and only write about it for all who could relate to my story somehow. He is not as I knew him before, hard times have gotten to him, and there were times before when I wanted to feel good at his pain, Schadenfreude if you will, the spark came and wanted me to turn it into a huge bon fire, I tried but I could not. I actually felt very bad for all he is going through, the problems for him came one after another, yet I would comfort him with words of wisdom, in my role as Obara Meji as he complained to me about his life and the happenings. I wish you all to believe me, because I am being truthful, I felt not happiness at his sadness, and I still do not.

I wrote on this today because the whole “Why I stayed” got me really thinking of “Lessons Learned”, for there are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned, this is one of my own quotes which I believe in strongly. Someone, a Babalawo In Nigeria once  told me that “all human beings must go through some badness/bad times/problems at times in their life, this will bring about long life, we should pray not to see devastation”. What would be the point of a human being living here in earth if they had NO problem or faced no challenges

When things happen to us, or if there are decisions which we make which others may wonder why, it is for you to try to understand the life lesson you are being taught, we as individuals have to face our lives, be present in it, show up and live the life we came here to live, while praying for wisdom into making wise choices and also for accepting the lessons learned along life’s way, and aslo be willing to introspect and change what we know is needed for our own good which will impact how we deal with others . Whenever we are faced with anything good or bad remember always that we are being taught, life on earth is a school, ask yourself, “What is the lesson here”, the minute you figure it out, the problem is solved and you get to enter a new chapter of your life.

Please share your story or a story if you have one, or even an opinion, let us talk about this.

 

Ọbẹ̀ tí ò pọ̀ kì í kan. /
A soup that is moderate in size soup can’t get (so neglected as to go) sour……Yoruba Proverb!

[What’s not common can’t lose value; the higher the supply of something, the lower it’s perceived value]

All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…..Obara Meji!

There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned…..Obara Meji

 

 

Here is the link to the article on the Ray Rice and Wife situation

Janay Palmer Inspires #WhyIStayed & #WhyILeft Conversations On Twitter Among Domestic Violence Survivors

 

 

 

 

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256 Comments on "WHY I STAYED – ABUSE AFFECTS IN MANY WAYS"

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Lalibela A Nile (@Lalibela_Nile)
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I hope all is well with you Teach; I am here trying to catch up!!!

Lalibela A Nile (@Lalibela_Nile)
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Obara your honest is so refreshing and highly desired; a wholesome will find no need to physically or mentally harm a woman…

Obara Meji
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I’m good Lalibela

Ty
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Hey Obara, here catching up…

MTH
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Yep Teach…

Obara Meji
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Hey Ty

Obara Meji
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Hey Lalibela!

MTH
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Teach I cant watch the videos:-(

Interesting discussion no lie. Look how the Donald Sterling thing has died a quite death.

Ty
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So tru Mth…den u all hear him have cancer, fi we fi sorry for him…smh…

Cami
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Cami

Black churches and dem minstrel shows…yeh i said it!

Cami
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Cami

Me gone again, soon come back.

Cami
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Cami

Ok.

nyaha1
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nyaha1

Domestic violence I agree with Obara Meji is rooted in the person committing it. I do not believe that Black men are more likely to abuse women, that is what is perpetuated globally. Black men (all, African, Carribean, from Vanuatu every Black man) is deemed as a horrible human being. So the moment a Black man does something (including an abuser) it is said that is “his” nature. The same thing goes for Black woman, we are stupid, materialistic,manipulating whores and if we do anything that image gets brought up.

I am not in anyway saying that an abuser is exempt from their behavior. If you physically, emotionally and/or spiritually abuse someone I think you are creating a special hell for yourself.

Yw
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Who are the masters of hypocrisy? Domestic abuse happens very often in “white home” but it is covered up like so much more…Marketing is a hell of a thing.

Cami
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Cami

See why yu have to be here… If that man made a case exactly how you put it then I would be in agreement. The matter is how come the white NFL players beat up dem women and you don’t hear it…but then again they do that in the house, not in the streets or in front of the” homies”.

Ty
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Cami, it also vex me that they not talking the effects of steroid use….and also the after effects of repeated concussion and brain trauma….

There is more to this story…

nyaha1
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nyaha1

Cami, I too am curious to hear what you disagree with. I watched the video and think he is spot on. This country was founded on hate, violence, greed, racism and white supremacy.

Cami
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Cami

NON-VIOLENT ACTIONS using biology

Chicken pox blankets (act of genocide using biology) by Europeans isn’t an act of violence, but an act of depravity by depraved minds. Syphilis (act of genocide) isn’t an act of violence, but an act of depravity by depraved minds.

ACTS OF VIOLENCE

Africans and all other nations has been violent long before America was “founded”, so unfair statement to accuse American Euros of being violent.

Domestic violence isn’t a RACE issue. So excusing the NFL players of being violent towards women because of the “white man” actions centuries ago is nonsense.

If he want to make it a case for race then he should tell black men to stop behaving like massa and his dedicated overseer and cabin snitch from centuries ago. I will not accept that excuse for why black men beat their women.

Yw
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Full 100

MTH
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Cami, mi know you have been doing an awesome job with book club. Please be present on Thursday…

Cami
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Cami

(long out me tongue at yu) mek sure yu reach to, lol.

Yw, the question of normal v abnormal is like moral v immoral to me.

Yw
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I would agree with that but, to me (bwoy, mi love sey dat), with right and wrong, there are somethings that are simply right or wrong. Eg: wrong – slavery, ideas of superiority, abuse of power or authority, abuse of those at a disadvantage, etc. The philosophy that if you can take advantage of someone else, then you should is simply wrong.

MTH
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YW dats mi love yu suh (no disrespect Ty). Mi waan get to di nitty gritty a di topic. Teach, hit a nerve wid mi yesterday, when shi sey ppl thought she had it good so no one benta (New Name mi run wey yu word) fi help har. Mi waan wi dig up some corelated topics such as depression (which I am very prone to).

YW, like how yu love withdraw suh, mi waan know when it normal vs abnormal, yah fallaw mi?

Yw
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YW, like how yu love withdraw suh, mi waan know when it normal vs abnormal? –
To me (and remember that this is all opinion, not fact), that is a difficult question because: what is normal? People generally think of normal as what society deems as acceptable. However, if we take that as the definition of normal, then slavery could be interpreted (under that definition) as normal. – And everyone should know that, for me, slavery should never be viewed as normal – When we talked about the spiritual and the material realm, a key point is the function of the mind in both realms. That takes us to mental health and differentiating what is of a spiritual nature and what is of a psychological one. Many times the two overlap and that is why it is so tricky. I will try to answer in a better way on the discussion night because this will lead us to that topic.

Yw
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Mi ah go jump ova to di latest post all!!

MTH
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YW mi propose a topic fi book club and mi trying mi best fi get mi tablet sorted. Mi need fi have a confirmed co-moderator. Mi ask Mr. Nile, but he is not on so often. I know its kinda sudden, but (insert a million pleases) could you kindly volunteer to asssit me???

Yw
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No problem at all. Saw the topic and it is very interesting. I may even have some….alternative points of views. Very exciting….

MTH
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YW, mi a ask yu fi a favour?

Yw
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Anytime…

MTH
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YW, YW, YW ax pardon. MI si wey yu did holla at mi. Lawks mi sorry. Forgive mi duh.

Cami, my hairdresser is very good. She believes in joining inas the side-chick then moving up to be the main chick (however, will always have it in the back of her head that he has someone).

Yw
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Nuh worry, Mth. Mi know sey yudda si and mi woulda neva duh yuh dat…Memba mi come and si yuh as prefect yuh nuh..

MTH
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Cami memba Teach sey she is Aries.

Mi sey mi shame like dog…All now YW dayeven tun di black a him yeye and hail mi up to 🙁

Cami
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Cami

oooops, I forgot! O sorry I forgot we in the same month.

MTH, see Yw put it best in regards to yu hairdresser.

nyaha1
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nyaha1

good afternoon good people. I have been trying to catch up with the conversations. good topics (yesterday and today).

Yw
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nyAHA!!! Good to see you.

MTH
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Guys, mi juss memba something. Mi hairdresser sey if a man nuh have nuh adda woman when him a look har, SHE DOES NOT WANT HIM. Something muss wrong wid him, fi she alone, numo want him…From I was birthed till nung…

Yw
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PARDI!!! What a gwan? See whe mi ah sey… She trying to function within a dysfunctional system. Is a coping mechanism to deal with the pain she likely experienced with men over her years prior….

Cami
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Cami

MTH! dwlnnnnnnnn I hope her cosmetology skills better than her man skills! She sound like she like confrontations.

Yw
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I have to say that I thank you both, ESpecially, Obara and Cami, because by believing in me you give me the impetus (the sustenance, the will, etc) to continue to try to be the best Yw that I can be. Without inspiration and motivation what is the point? If we are disappointed in how the people in the world are, then we should try to be better ourselves….Forgive me, please…..”I’m starting with the man in the mirror..Ooo…I’m asking him to change his ways…Ooo…And no message….” Alright Yw, give the people ears ah break but don’t break them ears…

Yazzy
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LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YW!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!

JOKES FI DAYSSSSSSS!!! I KAINT TEK IT!! HAHAHAHA!!

Yw
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Greetings Obara Meji and the ES fambo and crew!!! So much things to cover here….
Women,,,without you there would be no life, no love, no point. Woman…you are strength, you are warmth, you beauty. A man that cannot treasure his counterpart is not a man. That kind of person degrades themselves with each strike and each insult. Ironically, to prove some level of strength and dominance they end up highlighting their weaknesses, fears, and ego. Mediocrity at its finest………
Most of us have been living in an ABSOLUTE patriarchal system where males are viewed as superior to females…WTF!!! How can one be superior to the other? Now we look at the NATURAL reaction of women living in this society. There is a direct response to the pain which leads some women to not value a “decent” man. How can they when that is (in many cases) their herstory (yu si it)? Cyclical pain…recycled hurt… fear of believing that there is something better… something different…What to do? What to do?
I cannot say that I unequivocally believe that a man should not hit a woman. If a woman does something to hurt one of my kids, I may be liable to rass har a box. Sorry if that wrong, but so it is…. It is the intent and the circumstances behind the assault that I look at. In cases of power, control, and dominance assault is always wrong….

Cami
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Cami

Yazzy Morning, but pardon me! GRUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YW!!!!!!! say a gal do him youth dem nothing she a go collect a box!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lolololll

Only right, cause you have to defend those who cannot defend themself!

Yazzy
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Mawnin sweeties! Last night mi knock out pan unuh. My bad.

Obara you made a very important point/ observation… tho I’m not a psychologist. . But you said we often discipline kids then mistakenly console them at the same time which send mixed messages … I know for sure during childhood growth and development while there isn’t a manual that comes with how it’s done, the events that take place during this period is crucial and set the stage for who our kids & who/ what they will become.

Abuse can happen to ANYONE! The abuse is someone else’s act and we have little to no control over another humans actions! (Unless wi intend to never be around humans ever)

You don’t see that fist coming. We are in relationships not martial arts… we don’t anticipate a strike from the hands that are there to make love to us and protect us. We don’t anticipate the emotional torture from the minds that were selected to use their mental energy to trap us in webs of love and comfort. We don’t anticipate financial abuse from the very partners we plan to build empires with.

Cami yuh points dem SOLID sweetie. While it is instinctive to wanna help we have to first analyze the dangers/risk involved in wanting to help. We are all our brothers keeper but it nuh mek nuh sense fi dash weh yuh life in an situation weh it would be in vain. Sometimes yuh nuh have nuh time fi analyze tho… yuh just affi leap into action!

Cami
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Cami

No kungfu inna relationships! darn right, Yaz!

Yw
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Yazzy Superstar: “We are in relationships not martial arts… we don’t anticipate a strike from the hands that are there to make love to us and protect us. We don’t anticipate the emotional torture from the minds that were selected to use their mental energy to trap us in webs of love and comfort. We don’t anticipate financial abuse from the very partners we plan to build empires with.” – You see that “anticipate” is a rahtid ting. When we enter a relationship (hopefully wid just 2 people) the two parties have expectations/anticipations (E&A’s). Many times the two do not line up. Over time these E&A’s evolve; again they may not line up (though they may or may diverge even more). That is why, in my opinion, communication is CRITICAL to make a relationship work. Of course, honesty is equally VITAL because if is all lie it is miscommunication…

Cami
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Cami

I’ve noticed that when females don’t have strong males in their family that domestic violence exist, or if the women in the family are passive/submissive in nature that it exist too, not excluding strong family ties. Abusers will not go into families that HE/SHE know will intervene in the everyday lives of family members.

My theory that has been proven through primary data ,coupled with secondary data, lol…

Yw
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Cami thanks fi all the love – know seh is just love we deal wid… Strong males are a curiosity to me….What is a strong male? I’ve met women that want a man to take control…that is their definition of a strong man…A man must not cry…a man must fight…Is like the idiat Foota Hype: “Mi ah star bwoy. Man fi have nuff gal”…Friggin’ idiat…but what happen to the women that accept and even admire that as a sign of “manhood”? Yes, some of them is out there…

Yw
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Real Talk…Dat is why mi sey: Cami ah mi sistah

Cami
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Cami

lololol YW! lolol (have to laugh because me glad fi see yu!) MI BREDDA! big up…yu vacation did lonnng man, choou!

For me a Strong man is: a man who can hold any battle ground with intelligence, do all things domestic, cry whenever he wants because he is human and will not bow out of situations through intimidation.

Yazzy
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No Cami yuh a knock out di points dem wicked a dan Tyson! Kool nuh!

MTH
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Hey Cami what’s popping mi gal? Teach, tell dat, homey dont play when it comes to her children.

Cami youmade some very important points up top, namely, observe both sides before helping. Can you imagine you the good Samartian getting you ass whipped. Sometimes you try to give advice from a place of love and concern and when they make up, the abused people will add and subtract to what you said. God forbid that you are single, it will be that you are jealous and how yu know suh much an yu nuhhave nuh baddy. Just be ye careful.

Cami
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Cami

Whaddup MTH…lol Imagine a gal man a point gun pon yu because you a play superhero! been there…had to get a man fi buss him inna him head because a nu me an him deh so I wasn’t going to accept that. Now a days it’s funny to me,lol.

I’ve dismissed friendships to avoid that because you go and give your advise and it’s not taken kindly and to be in a house where man and woman start fighting at any given moment is HORRIBLE. been there too.

Cami
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Cami

My mum told my brothers that any day they feel they have to hit their wives, that they should pack up and return to her household and she told my sister-in-laws to inform her of such before calling police pon har son dem.

So, here we have room for open dialogue between all parties. As for my sister and I…we a trouble and mum isn’t banking on eating any wedding cake on our behalf (lol, seriously).

MTH
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Morning all. Blessings Teach and Ty. Hope today is great for you all.

Teach, your son’s girlfriendmust have knocked her head. Come tofightyour son in his house. Abuse is never easy and the thing is based on what we have been exposed to, some people see abuse as ‘nothing’ as there are worse things out there.

Cami
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Cami

Good Morning! What a hot topic to have missed out on, last night. Obara Meji! From all that you’ve written you were honest in pointing out that the experience as brought you to the stage that you represent today date. Blessings always…Ase.

My opinion on domestice violence is two folds…Not because I am a female I am going to sympathize because I’ve seen it played out on both sides. I’ve seen it in my paternal home (non-physical) but verbal threats by the grandmother (lolol). What that did to me is strenghten my backbone because I love my granny to death; yet I sympathize with granddad because I loved him to death and some how he always cooled down the situation with humor (a trait that I’ve inherited).

I’ve seen it in my parental home (mother and ugly stepfather). Upon migrating to the states I can tell you that my mother’s wedding pictures displayed in our home for less than 3 years…she tore up what she could and “clawt” my stepfather with the framed ones during a nasty the fight. I saved one (mother standing in the church door way) because my mother looked beautiful in the gown and the largest framed (them signing) one is at my brothers house today.

I’ve been in “licking” relationships but I had nothing to stay for, so after flinging in my two licks I kept it moving. I’ve attempted to help out women in abusive relationships, I also learned to do a full observation of the matter before attempting to help, for there is a underlying danger to ones self by doing so. There are times that the “victims” don’t want you in their affairs and will join with the abuser to abuse you the “good Samaritan”. These are reasons why police officers are trained to be on high alert during domestic violence calls.

Ty
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Morning Fambo,

Sleep trek me whey last night…

Obara, this is a great topic that touches on so much….
-self worth
-your value in a relationship, perceived or real
-your thoughts on how a relationship should be
-respect for each other
-communication
-your willingness to with stand pain for other eg children

Relationships are hard….and require lots of attention and work…as my father always say, in a relationship, tongue and teeth must meet….

However, I do not like when fists meet… I pray for all who are suffering today, whether psychological, financial, emotional or physical abuse….

We all learn from each other and sometimes hearing others stories makes you query how you would have handled it…I must say that my Esp family is a talented bunch who have all risen above adversaries… I am proud to be in you all company…

The scars from any abuse are horrific and even after the ordeal is over , these scar require tlc In order to stop the cycle…

NuNu
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NuNu

Good night folks! See you in the morrows

Ty
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I saw the foota hype interview….I was disgusted with his attitude…I would like to hear her side… Bout him mek her part of a legendary couple…him lucky she no have two bad yaws brother fi lick him down… Additionally he should not come on tv to discuss the bedroom likes and dislikes of a 9 year relationship …I do not like that…

It made me say, she smart fi no marry him…

NuNu
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NuNu

He’s narcissistic and an ass Ty

Ty
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Hey everyone, had a busy day and was peeping…caught up and must say this is a Deep topic…

Hugs to Yazzy…

Love and light Kiab..

Obara I am so grateful, you found the strength to get out and leave him…God has now given you peace and love…

For all the men and women out there in abusive relationships, I pray you gather strength and peace…get help if u cannot do it on your own…

Toy
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Night everyone Obara, you are so amazingly awesome. I feel so bad that you went through all of those things, men like that always study woman that they are with and he knew your situation with your family and use it to his advantage. I got hit one time. I got slapped so hard across my face the first thought in my mind was like did this b!^ch a** mutha just hit me. He hit me right in front of my kids while we were in the car driving. When I snapped to reality. I put my foot in his neck and started pounding on him. The car was swerving in different lanes . I don’t know how we didn’t crash. I have to thank God and Orishas and ancestors for thinking about those two babies cause I wasn’t. In the same day he tried to run me over with a car. I dropped him like a hot pocket. He was to insecure for me. Any woman that stays in a abusive relationship I know how hard it because one of my good friends was in one. She would lock herself in the bathroom crying to me and you would hear him yelling in the background beating on the door telling her how he is sorry and love’s her.

NuNu
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NuNu

Toy glad you left before it was too late

Ty
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Thank God you came out Toy…

It is a visciuos cycle…it only gets worse when u stay….

Yazzy
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Spiritual seeker, AMH, Court, New Name… blessings my resilient sisters! Keep your heads held high. There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learnt! ~Obara Meji

Yazzy
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Good night guys. Sorry I’m late. I was working and had stolen some ESP time to come interact and I stormed outta here in tears… and a very heavy heart. Mi bawl mi bawl mi bawl.. I had to ask Obara if anything worse came after the line I had gotten to cause I just couldn’t continue reading any further! She assured me that I should in fact continue reading as there was a lesson in the blog and mi just now tek mi time done work and come bravely finish read and have also read all the comments and I’m just heart broken and weary.

For every woman in the these predicaments… I wish you find the courage to leave and to love again. This is a very emotional issue and I have never been hit BUT mi heart and mi belly battom cyah stand di pain of the victims of violence and abuse…. right now I’m an emotional wreck after reading all the comments. I’m sorry….

Obara Meji
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Awwwwwww Yazzy!!! (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Yazzy
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Yuh always have mi a laff and a bawl sed time! Weh yuh seh… if mi nuh style di mungrel mi nuh like yuh???? Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Ova here have mi like a mawd ooman… mi wi deh ya a laff and den braps mi just stawt puddung some cow bawlin den a sec lata a me dat again a roll a grung wid joke a kill mi…. mi feel dem need fi commit mi! LMFAO!

Obara Meji
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Style de dead sway Yazzy, if yuh nuh class him yuh nuh like mi, class de gez buckit!!! Yuh si de comment whey de door stop and hi scream fi days tink sey ah duppy, grung!!!

Yazzy
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Obara mi tink yuh tell mi seh nutin worse neva dere fi see. As I read my way down the comments… mi nearly drop dung when yuh seh di wicked man KIDNAP yuh fi guh dun off you and him???? It stress mi out!! Mi not even a guh siddung pan da one de… on the ” what if” …instead I’m gonna look at the glass half full… you are still here caz try he might it just was not your time but what a dutty fucka wicked and brite. Mi nuh like style ppl but dis a di heights a wickedness

Obara Meji
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Yup Yazzy that’s why I dj this everyday

Yazzy
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Hugs Obara! You know what I LOVE about you… you’re never to HIGH on that horse to not revisit issues like this… and actually acknowledge that you were also a victim and show where you are now. I’m very proud of you! We have loads of peepers and I know you and the others that shared your experiences have silently helped a victim today out of their situation!

New Name
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You too MTH

MTH
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Have a good evening everyone.

Obara Meji
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Kia is fine Y’all, I heard from her!!!!

Yazzy
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(Whew) THANK GOD!!!! Kia boo love and light sweetie!

MTH
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That must breed anomosity among the mothers and children. That means he is riding bare back and that is not cute…

MTH
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Sweet sugar stick di*k.

To me, that is straight up neglect, which neglect is also a form of abuse. It must be terrible to know that you are child 28, let alone child # 34.

Obara Meji
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You too M

MTH
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Teach, I saw this Inyanla Vanzant thing on TV where this 1 man, has 34 children with 17 mothers, in addition he has ‘adopted’ nine more children from the women i.e. they had childrenbefore getting with him and he accepted them…

My thinking, is that at some point a woman can look on and say, heck no, I value myself too much to be a part of that mess. How do you even think of engaging into a relationship with a man who tells you he has 10 baby-mothers, let alone 17.

Obara Meji
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Me scornful Sunday Dock deh cudden come near mi!

New Name
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New Name

On topic peeps,
I saw on the video where the girlfriend spat in his face. Now while I do not condone violence, I say that that in itself wudda mek any man, woman, boy or gyal give a sound loudas. Don’t know if there was anything else that I missed, but I know for sure if someone spat in my face, it would not be so easy

Obara Meji
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Two people with major issues AMH, wow!

Obara Meji
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Self worth is a hell of a thing! Some women are ver desperate and some are weak we should all pray for strength

Ah him name sweet dick or lips, lol

AMH
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MAJOR does not even begin to describe it! Unfortunately I do not believe she will ever fully recover from all the abuse she has suffered in her life, and it is said that it still weighs her down after so many years apart and a new husband who truly builds her up.

New Name
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New Name

Obara,
Sad to say, it is usually after you are in way deep that you find out.
Case in point, I have a friend (memba suck a few teach?) who been trying to get with me from Whoppy kill Phullup and ah years after, when me an him ah tawk, mi know sey all di talk him did ah talk, him did have ooman all ovah.

Obara Meji
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She was wrong to spit on him, but he should have never hit her at all! At allll!!!

AMH
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The lady I have mentioned before that I work with who has VERY strong anti-spiritual beliefs, stayed with her very abusive husband for years because she used to be very obese and he stayed with her then, “loved” her and cared for her when she felt she was “disgusting”. She felt she owed him some debt for that. As she lost weight was when the severe abuse started.

Courtney
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If come down to me or you I choose me! It’s gonna get real! Thank goodness you were able to get through that night.. I was listening to dr Umar last night and he was giving some real interesting points on the state of the black family and the psychology of why we stay in the cycle of abuse and the psychology behind it

Obara Meji
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My parents did not care

Obara Meji
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That’s why he stayed with her AMH it was to abuse her, he took advantage if he low self esteem

AMH
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Yes, when things got really bad in their divorce process it all came out.

Courtney
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That stuff gives me nightmares! I always want to leave my kids a place to stay no matter what they have someplace to go

New Name
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New Name

If him si mi talk to any man, it was so-so worries. I left numerous times and he would come bawling his damn crocodile tears, and me the idiot, took him back. Yes, he did hit me, butttt after the seeing that I could be a terrorist in my own way, he knew better and stopped (ah dehsoh di bun get hottah – guess that was his way of socking it to me).

Long story short, me an him leff, but the men I have been with or who try fi look mi, since then have all proven to be womanizers.

Courtney
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Dem is da set ya boil ya pot for!

Obara Meji
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After him Courtney and New Name I lay down the rules and laws I tolerated nothing less than commitment, respect and faithfulness

New Name
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Lol @ Courtney,
Mi affi buss ah laaf, cause one time mi did have di oil pon di stove ah wait pon him Kaka an chue him know sey mi did well ceerus and him cudden benta chue di door, him go call mi madda fi talk to mi.

Unlike your mother though Obara, I must say that mine never once told me to go try work out nutten – even afta mi did have di baby. Mussi chue shi neva did want mi talk to him from the beginning. Mi fawda did waa fi knock that out cold (secretly wish up to this day, that he had)

New Name
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Obara, like you, I suffered at the hands of my child’s father. He was a serial cheater and after a time, was so disrespectful with it. He was my first and I, being no so young, and naïve believed all his lies (I was with him for over 10years). After a while my eyes began to open to his lying and cheating ways and I began to fuss. Mi get cross, angry and miserable and datz when him get wussarah

Courtney
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Teach you say the man kidnap you!! These niggas are crazy want treat you like garbage but take you out when you try to leave???? Is that like I fight between your guides and his?! That a lot of energies at play.

Obara Meji
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Same suh Courtney

@new name him was de worse!

New Name
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New Name

Howdy doo family,
Been missing for a few days and I apologize.
Seems I always come in late.

Obara and fellow students, do you think that womanizing equate to emotional abuse? I definitely KNOW so, but what are your views?

It was not so long ago that I was thinking to myself “why does it seem like I almost ALWAYS attract the womanizers?’. Obara I remember you saying something about that here on the blog, and it gave me somewhat some level of comfort in knowing that it was not something that was wrong with ME, but it was something more spiritual and it made sense.

I have stories on this topic and I will share. I know the people that I have told about this site might read, but I will deal with that later

MTH
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They are looked at with suspicion, if they talk about any other spirit apart from God.

MTH
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More and more people a ‘hint’ sey dem believe inna spirits.

Obara Meji
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But if they say that God is a spirit then how can the existence of spirit be denied??

Obara Meji
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Courtney ah day de dranco did do!

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