When I met Mr. Highgrade I met him in Jamaica. the details of our meeting is too much for me to write about and not relevant to this post so I will just skip along. We got together and he came to America to live with me and my children, who accepted him under my counsel. For most of my life, it had always been my children and I, so when he was about to come into our lives permanently I had a sit down with them and we spoke and they agreed. We had no idea that we were about to be in for a long ride!
Our meeting was a love story (so I thought, I am a hopeless romantic, I truly am, or perhaps I was just searching for love) and whenever I recounted it to anyone they would Ohhhhhhh, and awwwww while smiling at us finding each other. I felt the same at first and I would tell anyone who asked “why him? That I felt safe! I felt safe with him, I truly did. In hindsight, I never answered “I love him” I always answered that I felt SAFE. I wasn’t quite sure what safe was or meant in terms of being with him, but that was how I felt and how I would respond to any inquiry of our love or relationship. I had made up my mind that I was not leaving him, and whatever the problem was, we would work it out and get through it. I had already cautioned him about infidelity and told him that would be the only reason for me to quickly break up with him. He had assured me that he was not like that, and I trusted him so I believed him. I continued to feel “safe”. Unlike the wicked one read here, he was home every night and I had no reason to suspect him cheating.
I am a thinker, so oftentimes I would ask myself why I attributed the word “safe” to our relationship and said word to my feeling toward this guy. I had no idea, but the feeling was a good one. He began to show himself a couple months after living with us, he was miserable and would erupt into a quarrel which would go on until he felt it was time to stop. This happened a couple of times until we realized that when he was not smoking weed, he had no command of his temper. Ganja kept him in check, I began to dislike him and his behavior and miserable ways. Yet, with all his shenanigans I still felt “safe” with him, and I stayed, I stayed with him. Why? Also, I wanted to show my family that what they wished for (me and him not working out) would not happen. I settled with him. Safe or feeling safe was a need to qualify why I kept him around, I later acknowledged to myself.
Before I made the aforementioned acknowledgment, I asked the question often, why did I feel safe with this man? In my other relationship with the childrens father, although he could be described as the mythical Lucifer himself times 10, and although I would not wish him on my greatest enemy (maybe not true here, deep consideration would be put in as to the level of enemy however, hmmmmmmmm twisting my imaginary mustache, hmmmmmm!!) and although he did me so terrible, I wondered what was the trauma I suffered so much that I felt like this, (safe) with this miserable man, who made me see Ganja for the first time as drugs, likened to crack cocaine!
I was the protector for my children, the defender for all whom I loved and cared about, people came to me, in droves to help them and I was/am good at it, I am! I was the one people looked to whenever there was a problem, I was the one who forged on into battle without a thought to me, all thought on the person I am defending, but yet with this total stranger I felt as if I finally had someone to protect me and keep me safe. The word and the feeling bothered me, and I wanted to let go of the feeling, if I could release the way I felt, that feeling of while he was around nobody could harm me or the children, the feeling of “he is miserable, but he will defend us to the death if he had to”. Yes that is how I felt, regardless of any love feelings which I probably did not have for him (I thought so, at first, but have since realized that it was a false reading, lol). He was a defender such as I, and when anyone offended me or even tried to, he would leap to my defense and that of my children. In my life, while growing up, and with the exception of when I lived in Jamaica (my mother loved me then, she was a great defender), no one ever went to bat for me, no one! I had to defend myself and my children once I began having them, I had no one, but myself and God and my non-physical beings. They were all I needed, included my children, but I did not know that.
While I felt safe with him, he felt secure with me, I took care of him, he hardly ever worked, and I never pushed.
After he and I broke up, I began to look into my life and wonder why I had let “Him” in and allowed him to stay so long, and I realized that it was for the same reason, the one which was comforting to me, he made me feel safe. As I am writing this post this morning, I am realizing, that the emotional trauma of being thrown out of my mother’s home, young and pregnant with no where to go, then finding the other childrens father, whose treatment of me was horrible along with his sleazebag equally wicked family headed by his she devil mother, encountering all these people and going through the trauma of what they all put me through, when this fellow, who I had met showed me kindness and protection and love, I hung on to it like a drowning man grasping at straws. When I met him, he took me everywhere in Jamaica, he paid for everything, ( I was not use to that from anyone, man,woman, beast or child, from I was around it was my money being spent), he was kind, loving and nice. Until the fangs showed up!
This post is not about him, so I do not want to spend time on him, it is about me and the emotional abuse I suffered one behind each other which was pivotal in me making a life decision upon meeting someone and them showing me a hint of kindness. I took his kindness and commanding presence at our initial meeting as something I needed in my life and went ahead into a relationship with him which later fell apart because it was based on a illusion. I was to everybody, what he was to me at first. I needed the roles to be reversed and in my eyes when I met him in Jamaica, it was, and I held on to it. It did not and could not last because it was all a dream. I was emotionally Fu**ed up without a clue.
During the time with my mother and the wicked baby father, and other evil people I had met and situations that I had gone through, I tightened my belt and kept it moving, I had no time to heal, or even to realize that I had been wounded.
I have a tendency to speak or write freely anything that bothers me, this blog has helped in my healing, writing about all my situations, fears, likes, compulsions, encounters, acquired wisdom and then some . I did not really want to write about him as I did the wicked baby father, I wanted to forget him and not even open up to you all much about our life together, the memory of me and the life I lived with him is still too fresh and painful. No, not because I miss him or because I Loved him (I now realize that I did not, not in the way it was suppose to be), but because I stayed so long into something I knew I did not want from the moment his feet touched American soil (six months after actually), yet I stayed because I did not want to give my enemies the satisfaction of our breakup and I decided that our relationship would work, and I had made up my mind that we would grow old together. It was not to be, and I had no idea that I was emotionally damaged before I met him and he compounded it when he was here, I sat and took it, while healing other people lives. While people thanked me daily for being their rock and strength and helping them with their problems, I was on spin cycle in my own life and no one to press stop. I am very strong, despite everything, I am a strong girl!
The following I got from the link below, and most of what is said is so true on my account.
Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world.
Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and alone can be traumatic, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective facts that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized.
While I was with him, I felt numb, disconnected, and I still have trust issues, (but thank God for spirits trust issues in not really a factor spirit tells me everything), all signs of emotional trauma, this was so with all that I went through, the numbness and feeling disconnected.I have a fear of rejection to this day. If I call someone and they do not answer or return my call, I begin to wonder if I have offended them, this is real. If I post a comment on my own site, and no one responds to it, I often wonder if it is too offensive, often times my higher self would speak to me and tell me to relax and I do, but I do not like rejection (in actuality who does?), I am a work in progress!
This makes me not have friends and I do not socialize, the computer is how I reach the outside world, yet still I realize that my communication through the computer is not reality, and I am mindful not to get lost with the use of this medium, replacing people with it !
Can you all understand me? Can you relate? am I making sense? Did I over share? Do I seem weak to you all now that I have shared my inner most personal thoughts with you (as if its the first time!)? Scrap that question this chick ain’t never weak! should I remove this post? Am I a lunatic? (I like the word lunatic, lol) Do you all still love me? (no pressure to say yes, but bare in mind the trauma if any of you say no!) Do I need to lay on someones couch? All jokes aside can any of you relate? Huh Can you? Huh? Huh?, Huh? please say yes and nuh mek mi tink sey ah me alone mad enuh! Yazzy come on! Laugh you all, this last paragraph was just me having fun with you.
Ojú tó ti rí òkun, ò lè bẹ̀rù ọ̀sà mọ́. /
Whoever had experienced the seas would no longer be moved by the lagoons…..Yoruba Proverb
[Challenges do empower]
All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…..Obara Meji!
There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned…..Obara Meji
Dear Obara, I can relate to this post on so, so, so, many levels. Thank you again for sharing your stories they are, for me, like mirrors in which I can look and gain clarity, confirmation, affirmation, and ultimately, healing. Much much love and blessings to you Teacher/Sister/Friend.
I enjoy reading your posts and being blessed by your teachings. You have no idea how much it has helped me. Keep up God’s work. Love you lots. Thank you.
[…] That day never came. He felt it and used to ask me if I hated him. I would quietly deny it, but at nights when he would come home from doing nothing on the road, I would leave the room and go sit with my children to escape his presence. Read here. […]
Obara I don’t know if you’re a fan of Joel Olsteen. I’m not. But yuh can find inspiration in anything! Morewhile it’s not about the messenger but rather the message! When life a beat wi bad… wi still accept di message altho the way it forced us to get was sometimes cruel… Anyways, mi tun on di tv jus in time and a flip chu di channel dem when it landed on him and he says “stop taking around the hurt of your parents. The hurt of your mom” …. He went on to say “altho she “had” you are… Read more »
This is beautiful. Thank you for being so open.
[…] shutting down the blog and going away (real talk, remember I am dealing with my fear of rejection, read here), I feel as if I am writing and sharing and it is all in vain,. I know, I know, it is not so, but […]
I know I am late to this post but I was saving it for a time when I thought I could give it my full attention knowing it would strike me hard. Thank you once again Teach for sharing and shedding light on thoughts and feelings I worried were unique to me. As I ended a toxic relationship after my daughters father, I found myself laughing at how I justified words and deeds of that man. I am pretty sure I was a looney. I am so inspired by your strength and am in awe of all you do for… Read more »
You are very welcome AMH
[…] fit yuh”, When problems comes one will do the impossible to get out of it. While I was with Mr. High grade, he had gotten a roast (temporary job) for one week on a construction site. One day they told the […]
Now Mth i read what u said but this statement pinch me…Mark you these are ladies that have all done extremely well for themselves.Do yu not feel like u have done well for urself? and what to u equates well? Also can u not attend school like fresh prince n real world where u are currently? Be back later to read
MTH, from now on do as Ty and myself does, regard your mother as one of your greatest teacher, honor her as such!
Hi MTh, I just had the opportunity to read your comment listen to me mi fren; Everybody in this life is WHERE THEY OUGHT TO BE! The only way a person can change the course of their lives, is through sacrifices, and many people are not aware of the path to this! You can dream and pray all you like, and I believe that you are destined to migrate, why? because once there is a deep urge within you, even if it seems impossible, it is your spirit which has allowed you to tap into your consciousness unbeknownst to you,… Read more »
enjoying reading the conversation lol.
Hope you all have a wonderful night, signing off
Kia yuh too and anuh alone him ah talk, lol
Hahaha yu right!!! Yw too him madilous lool
This a a comment from MTH sent to me to post, she isn’t able to post it her .Can you please please post this comment for me. Morning everyone. I have skipped over all the other comments so as not to be influenced byother thoughts. Teach, this post has connected so much and just what I needed. My spirit/soul is so injured. I was not 100% yesterday, I am bouncing back. Like you, I had a child at a very early age and my mother also put me out of her house. Whilst I did not expect that she would… Read more »
Mth, your dreams are uniquely your own…go after them…your life path is your alone…what is written is written…no man can stop you, they can delay you but never deny you….
A word of caution…be careful who u tell your dreams to…u see a man but not his heart…you put your dreams into the universe…let God and the energies of the universe manifest your dreams…
Night genkle peopleeeeee 😉 Obara seh mi mad sum time woooiiieee lol Yazzy yaz hail mumz yu good? Nunu the first step in treatment is owning ur madness lol oooh Nuns di cinnamon n honey taste a way but mi drink it still. 🙁
Kia Boooooooo!! Mi ok babygirl… roller coaster rides eenuh. Mi up dung but mi a try nuh gu back to lean! Oops! Lolololol
Loool mek sure hold on Yazzy is all n enjoy di ride
Good night Nyaha
good evening good people.
Obara Meji, I am feeling every word you wrote. LOVE YOU for sharing your story and life with all of us 🙂
To everyone else LOVE YOU too. Just felt like loving everyone and passing on some LOVE lol
Awwwwwwww Nyaha love you too!!((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Hi lovely Nyaha love u right back♥♥♥
Love you Nyaha! Missed you babygirl! Haven’t seen ya in a while
Kia and Yazzy Yw says functioning lunatic is still lunatic! Mnl
Obara him a seh yu function well fi a lunatic lol
Obara mi mad eeekkkkksssss sweetie pie! Mi did miss yuh! Yuh affi own it yaaa mi baby girl. Yuh MAWD!!!! and soooo? *angel voice* I missed all my sweeties. Mi drop dung when Nunu seh mi mad “a night time!” LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Nurse Kia come ya mek a hask yuh couple questions… yuh tink a hab Nocturnal madness?? Yuh know nuting pan sundowning psychiatry??? Kia mi nex question is … suh yuh hear seh Nunu deh a paschu wid Milk to dont?? It stink a road Nunu… but my mama learn mi never to cry over spill “Milk” [pun intended ]… Read more »
No man Obara .. professional John means he be on his con artistry ish…
Lolol Yazzy ahwoa, how yuh do mi baby?
Obara si Yazzy presentation deh lol
Mi deh ya a reread di post caz is a message me a get from it eenuh. Mi find it interesting seh yuh felt safe. Mi a pichu yuh … feeling so broken after the trauma and den the rejection of mama… and then yuh shell out all yuh energy being everyone’s shoulder and you gave of yourself until there was no more … so all you wanted at that point was to feel safe… and to you, you didn’t stop to look at the cognitive reasoning … he was a strong guy. He showed PHYSICAL strength and enough testosterone… Read more »
Ah him ratchet mi si an feel safe not even gun! Grung!
Obara mi babygirl.. mi deh ere mi love.
So separate from Love, what else can actually overcome psychological trauma? They always rehash this phrase “time heals” but does it? especially with psychological trauma… caz show me one smaddy weh has truly been “dramatized” psychologically that nuh lef scared all after years pass some still crippled by the pain.
Pupa hesus (jeezas) hif yuh nuh busy walk ya! OBARA!!!!! A di wharawarawarit yuh see?? Di rachick? Not even a kakerclaartz gun??? A floor mi deh smaddy help mi! A cry mi a cry yuh too good no sah… yuh too good! A bawl mi deh bawl a di wickedes joke dis a di yr!
Rhaatid Yazzy!!! Yuh get that off yuh ches’ mumz. And fi real Mr. Bablawo deserve a big up!!!! Mi rate seh afta Big bad wolf den mr high grade, Obara neva get resentful and cuss off every man inna di wol’ cause dealing wid.some a these dutty men can mek yuh turn bitter quick.
Nunu Boooooo! It seems like I haven’t seen ya in ages girl. Yuh good?
Nunu big up wi baba bredda fi nuh weak. It takes a strong man to deal with a strong but a sensitive woman. Strength has nothing to do with the physical! Large up Baba! A you seh SAFE!!
So so ratchet Yazzy, bwoy did bad pin it, deeven have to open it nah lie to you!
Hol’ on deh!!!! A wha kinda class up a galang in here!! Mi a “mad nun” now mi a “name teef” White Jesus please to take di wheel !!!!!!!! lolol
Greetings and salutations…OBARA MEJI!!! Yeah…. dat is how mi ah guh shout it because once again a masterful post. MY VIEW: Issues are our chances to grow. Once realized and accepted, we get the choice to change or remain the same… I will not use my issues to excuse my behavior when I am wrong. So, I have to assess who I am and define who I want to be… Safety……oh, what a ting….to feel safe is a blessing because it makes us feel stable and secure. You do not appreciate what that is unless you have had the very… Read more »
Ywwwwww! Mi just did ah chat to mI self when me spot de comment, lol, live you too my brother, I needed to acknowledge what I wrote here today, I am healing day by day, thank you all
Love not live
Yw, ah my name Nunu teef ah me name nunu from birth, lol true story
I am off to exercise, will be back on later
Maddy maddy Ty a check in fi mi meds…..lol”…
Thanks for the post Obara…I too had issues…I was left alone in ja by my parents and harbored resentment and rejection for years….it was however my strongest lesson ever…it made me stronger…
Yes Obara we all love you very much. Mister high grade knew you were weak and I think he took advantage of that. When I say weak, I am speaking in terms of your other relationships. I really feel when certain things that happen to us in our lives we become broken. (I got that from Iyalan), and lead us to people I don’t think we would necessarily deal with if we did not emotional trauma.
Iyanla be on it! When she says beloved I get my whole life #yasssss
Lmao! Yes Courtney! Lmao two snaps and a twirl.
Professional john???! yaZy ah wha tuh ah sey???? Lmaooooo mi ah turn trick nung???? Grung!
I was about to drop me screen when me see say NuNu turn track star a out run dimension, mad bull!
O, I nah force not a thing but the truth…being out a de norm is just perfect. If not then we all would be destined to be like a rolling calf—just a snort fire and a dangle chain and a run dung NuNu! grunggggggggggg!
Kia! mind Nunu ice cream lover come fling ole dairy creme pon yu a night! lol
Now me gone sleep.
Lololol but wait!!!! How it look like mi have a “cow theme” inna mi life!!!!! Mi mumma wharait!!!!! A wha mi sub conscious a try tell mi seh!!!! Si wha Cami and Kia cause now!!
Lmao @cow theme
but wah do mad gal Nunu lool ano yu a walk roun wid detention slip an all affi write slip fi yu self more time. MNL pon yu yu mad long time wid yu rolling calf ina pasture wid Milk.
Kia don’t scandal mi!!!!! Unoo nuh mek Yazzy hear dem ting deh!!! Shi hot fi mi aready ( mi nah mention di name caws mi nuh able)ova di sed mad one deh!!
Wooooiiieeee lol yuh nuh able Nunu
nunu, ah Cami an Kia force mi fi own it!..Nunu please help
Mi deh blame all a dis pon yuh ie nuh Teach!!!! A you set di ball a rolling!!!
But wait!!!! Obara afta mi juss done claim seh yuh nuh mad smaddy yuh.deh mek Cami an’ Kia mek yuh own up to di madniss and all proud bout it tuh?!? But allllll mi draw een deh “silent but mad!” What is not dis! There was not a doubt bout Yw and Cami “one pieca handful” Mth seem fi have a “touch”, Yazzy mad a night time! Ty a di stoosh type a mad smaddy cause any ooman (an it soun’ like Ty well shawt) brave enough fi beat two big man sed time cyaan too rightid lol, and well… Read more »
psss, (whispering) Nunu…yu off yu rockers too me love! lolol
Listen Cami not because rollin’ cyalf run mi dung couple times well, dat does not mean mi “mad” a company unoo deh look !!!lololol
Sounds like denial
Nunu, fess up. Is by mistake yuh end up add the second “u” in yu name, don’t? Is really Nun yuh did want to guh by. Yuh know how mad nun dem be?
Not a “lunatic” at all Obara! I’m glad that despite all that you’ve been through you’re not bitter and full of resentment. Too many hold on to the illusion and put themselves at risk. Mi si it and sometimes yuh wan’ fi seh ‘how shi cyaan si seh deh guy nuh good fi har, a fool shi fool suh’ but what I come to realize is that as yuh mention in the post,emotional trauma is very blinding and some don’t know how to deal with it and keep making the same mistakes
I agree with you Toy
Aside from you life experiences…yu mad! rotfflmao! I LOVE mad people because that “ordinary” crap is FALSE!
Howdy Kia and Cami!
Lmaooooo, het Charles thank you as to me and mi mad crew , yes oonuh tuh, I love you all, from raging mad and nah hide it Yazzy to mi mad and cannot come back Cami and also mi silent mad Nunu and mi mad now and agen Kia to mi mi nuh bizznizz whey oonuh tink Ty and supa supa madilous Yw and mi cute up mad Toy and all, lmaoooooo thanks for the straight jacket support and aldoe she not here yet de madda dan de whole ah we MTH lolololol
“madilous” ! lolol.
From me come yah me know MTH kind of loopy..Yazzy meds a little stronger than Yw dosage. I find Ty to be more sane than the lot a we. Toy don’t tarry that way fi har own don’t show up…NuNu? Lalibela touch to my girl, dwln
Me gone sleep, soon come back.
Functional insanity is still insanity.
Yu zeet looool nuh ordinary roun ere!!!
Ekaso Obara yes you a lunatic but yu our lunatic loooool and I still love you same way. we all have our ways and that is what makes us special. it was a post shared by TY that rejection was discussed…i’ll search back for it. No one likes rejections big or small. Rejection can make one insecure but you just have to persevere…believe in your self. Like you when no one else does…
Hi my name is KiaBubblez, I am an introvert. I do not like humans loool but i enjoy my ES fambo.
lolol, Kia, I did a survey/personality test and I’m an introvert! It was shocking because I am verbal I thought I was an extrovert…lo and behold I’m an introvert. I ponder it and the test was right. I don’t like every and anybody easily, I am suspicious of people, I kind of gravitate to peoples energy and its annoying as hell, I would rather to sleep, read, watch t.v. and all rationalize with myself (mad? who? me?…lol) so the test was right. “Safe” is tricky has hell. So, Obara…I’m sure by now you know why yu thought the dude presented… Read more »
Cams, some of the best advice you can get is from yourself….but I am sure you know that 🙂
Hugs Teach, I don’t think you are losing your mind. You are telling us this because you feel we are one family and you can count on each and everyone of us here. I know how you feel. All I could say to you is thank God for the wonderful husband he has finally blessed you with. We all have our psychological trauma. Sometimes we are afraid to share it. Lucky you, that you are bold enough to tell us all you went through. What about me, am I bold enough to tell everyone here mine? Nope, because, am shy… Read more »
Charles wha a gwaan?
I’m cool Nunu
Good morning one and all! Mek a guh read soon come
Hugs to Obara on this good morning!! Much love sent into the universe for u and I hope you receive every drop of it. This post is one that rings true for me I feel like I deal with trauma from my parents marriage in relationships it is an ongoing effort to combat it but I try to keep it in the forefront if my mind when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t keep friends either but I think it’s for the best I am not one to get attached but for good reason. I really don’t… Read more »
They are pretty yummy when roasted on an open fire 🙂