There was a time when I wanted to help everybody, even when I needed help myself, I still did not like to see anyone in need. The wicked baby father use to accuse me of picking up strays (people who needed a place to live) and bring them home. I never understood that, I thought that if someone need help then it was our duty to assist if we could, I did, all the time. I could not stand to see suffering, I still cannot. The problem my enemy have is that I am naive enough to believe that most of the world think as I do, they do not. Yesterday during a text exchange between me and someone who I assist spiritually, someone I mentor, I asked them for a ride somewhere. Allergies are on top of me, and so my eyes are swollen almost shut. I did not want to drive myself, but I needed to go some place. The response did not come right away, (a long pause in the text response) and me being proud felt embarrass at that, almost wanting to beat myself for asking. I do not ask anyone for favors, I do not know why I opted to do so last night, perhaps it was all the medication I was taking for the allergies, I don’t know, but I want to blame something anything for even asking.
When they finally responded, it was a slight brush off apology for taking so long to respond, but I am who I am and realize that I had placed them in an awkward position by asking, and them not wanting to take me. I quickly sent another text and told them it was ok, no bother, shame became like hot liquid being poured over my body, I am Obara Meji, how could I have put myself in this position?. They apologized and told me that it would be an honor to take me if they were free, lol. This made me feel even worse, because I knew they were not being truthful, and I wanted to think “So I am good enough for you to talk to when you need my help but not good enough to give a ride to!” . The thought rose up, but I quickly slapped it down, I must not entertain that thought I told myself, I was wrong for asking. What possessed me to ask them when I could have easily taken a cab? Why did I put myself through that? I could have beaten myself, again and again, my mind tortured me with shame, (mi easy fi shame, I must admit). I tried to take my mind off the feeling which was riding me, but it seemed to want to mock and jeer me for my folly, my eyes grew misty in the night at my embarrassment, something, always independent.It kept replaying over and over again, it was torment (Am I being too dramatic?, lol). To another person, they would have said “this is no big deal, why Obara fell funny?). Here is why. I have always been an independent person, one who never to imposed on anyone. Even my children I try not to bother. When my mother put me out because of an early pregnancy, I never went back to asked for a nights rest. All my sisters and their children have lived with me at one time or the other, I have never asked anyone for assistance. God and Osun had placed me in a position where I am independent of people, I am always the one to help, but there are times when assistance is needed. After all, no man is an island and I thought asking the person last night for that favor would be alright, it wasn’t. Damn Benadryl, I was taking them to help the allergies, so I will blame them lol.
In the work that I do, I get emails and phone calls all day everyday from people who want their lives fixed, or just need a shoulder, I eagerly lend mine. I have never denied anybody from speaking to them or from just listening. My Oluwo the Jamaican man who took me to Africa the first time I went there, told me that I am too accessible to people and that I must have a time when I cut my phone off or tell people to call back tomorrow. He said it is the only way people will respect me. I must be truthful I never did as he suggested, I just could not deny anyone who needed a listening ear, or some advice even if it were in the middle of the night. There was a time in my life when I was going through hell with the wicked baby father, when he and his team of demons which included his mother, father sisters and brothers and also his girlfriend, put me (my enemy) through hell. In those days, I had no one on my side (no human), and there were times when I needed a hug. I would go to my mothers house, trembling (my nerves were in an awful state due to the abuse), because of the torture I was going through at the hands of these wicked people, and I would pray in my mind that my mother would hug me, I never asked, I just wanted her to do it. It never came, she never did. Those were horrible days for me, my memories of those times always makes my tear up, as I am doing now. But I always tell you all that there are lessons to be learned form everything, and I learned from the maltreatment that I got from those people, many things which I apply to my life today, and as for the hug I needed back then, that never came, I made up my mind never to turn my back on anyone who needed me, no matter the time or how busy I was, and yes I am quick to give a hug. I told myself that I would always be there for anyone who needed me, I would make time, I would be there, I would give the hug, the soothing words, I would show the love, give the inspiration, motivate, comfort, I would be that anchor, I would!
In my real life, I am soft hearted, compassionate and I am naive yes I am. I still look for good people in the world, even though I know that there are mostly bad people out there, users, selfish people, mostly up to no good. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying because the person slighted me when I asked for the ride (and it was at their convenient, there was no urgency in my request) they are bad or I am vexed with them. I am not, as a matter of fact, I thank them for the reminder of how life and its people are. I am the one who feels ashamed for asking, and that is because I never bother people for anything, and mi easy fi shame.
However when this happened to me last night, it reminded me (and this is the naive part in me, always forgetting that everybody is not the same and not everybody that smile with you is with you, I needed that reminder) that although I was the one to assist, to listen, to help, to be there, to give advice and then some, this was my job, my service to humanity, what I came here to do. I should not expect what I give to people who I do not know, back from them.
Their path and my own are different. Even if they have agendas, I must not, I must never do to them as they do to me,I must never allow the disappointments I get from them to change me, never. Why? Because we are all here on different missions. Our earthly journeys and what we came here to do are all different.
The woman who slighted me, is someone who seeks my help daily, it is someone who I counsel and help, I like her. Perhaps this is why I got comfortable enough to ask her for a favor, she put me in my place by slighting me. I thank her for it. Although I wished I could have erased that moment, the text of me asking and her response, it was a lesson for me. One to let me remember that I should never get too close to those that I counsel, while it may work for some, it does not work for me. This lesson I have learned many times, and by this I mean waking up to peoples true nature and being hurt by it, which I should not be, but it gets me every time. I still have that thing in me where I love people and at times forget that I am here to assist them, not for them to be my friends or companions. This that happened to me last night was the Universe reminding me, it hurt, but the lesson had been learned, again, and hopefully for the last time
This blog is where I share my thoughts, honestly. Like most of you, I am still learning life, it will continue, as we are here to learn. I teach from my experiences, I believe I have to, you should do the same.
This will never happen to me again.
Tí orí kan bá sunwọ̀n á ran’gba. /
If one head (a person) is blessed, hundreds others will be positively affected….Yoruba Proverb!
[Success is contagious]
Everything comes when it must, and everything happens for a reason, do not hurry your life, what is destined for you, cannot escape you, just keep the faith, be patient and be prayerful, filled with compassion, kindness and respect for all, let these qualities be among your name, God will fill in the rest…..Obara Meji!
All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love….Obara Meji
There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned!….Obara Meji