I was always a fearful child growing up. When I became an adult, fully grown, somewhat, into who I am now, I realize that those fears which were a very real part of me were there because of good reason. Let me stop a minute to explain: What I have come to realize, now that I am who I am, is that when I expressed fear in any form to my family, like not wanting to sleep by myself or go alone to the backyard at nights as a child, they would get upset with me, saying words like “nonsense” or “yuh stupid eeehn.” None of this alleviated my fears. It made me sad that I was so fearful, fretful, and worrisome, but I did not know how to put in words to my family why I felt as I did. The realization, when I became “Obara Mèjì” that I, as a small child could sense vibrations, darkness, or light, good or bad spirits, good or bad people, and all the ills of the world, and the fact that I had no idea how to express what I was feeling made me sad for so many who may have gone through what I went through or are still going through it.
Why I say that for me, I see the good reason for my fear, albeit a very dreadful feeling, is that it is the opening of the way for me. It was life whispering to me about my path and to where it would eventually lead me, but I had no idea of the language it spoke and people around me had not the wisdom to understand. Grown ups easily dismiss a child in many situations, not realizing that you are doing the child a great disservice in not paying attention or listening to them. Not all problems manifest in the physical (if a child gets a cut or falls we attend to them quickly, this is because this is a kind of hurt that we can see. However, if the child comes to us frightened, pointing to a room with fear, when you know no one is there, most people shush the child saying nonsense, this is because this a kind of hurt that we cannot see so we therefore dismiss it). Most often problems manifests mentally or through emotions, we need to take note of that.
We are aware of what we see or feel, but what we (most humans) are not aware of is what we do not see or feel. The moment someone says they see or feel something extraordinary, they are looked upon as crazy, on drugs or given some other excuse. While I went through my awakening, people who knew me began to whisper that I had gone mad. I cannot say I blamed them for even I had the thought and fear that I had gone off my rockers (kudos to English people who makes anything sound so… proper? lol). It was a wild and scary time for me, and when I came through it, fully awake, ALL my fears had gone. To this day I fear nothing or no one, well maybe some rides at great adventure, i.e. the Batman ride, but that is because it messes up my hair, and it is not cool to see me Obara “too cool all the time” Mèjì screaming.
Gone for me were the things which tortured or tormented me for years. It took both spiritual and traditional initiation to make me whole. I once worried forever about death, health, sanity, having a good family, betrayal, hate and many more. During these times, worry became a comfort, as I worried about horrible things happening, I would cry, though this is all in my imagination, I would still cry. My made up reality, things which I only thought about, had the ability to make me cry, feel sorry for myself, and in a sad twisted way I found comfort within the sadness I had created for myself. This is a reality for many people whether you admit it or not. Often times we are the authors of our plight, our sorrows, our sadness, our not being able to find a spouse, a good job or even own our own home among many other things. The title of this post is recognizing the “demon” which maybe blocking your way, and no it is not the BroomHilda mother in law or the boss from hell, or yuh husband girlfriend, though they may be the physical manifestation of the plagues you maybe experiencing. There is a bigger picture and it maybe within you. I am not blaming you or saying it is your fault, what I am saying is that the “demon” (and please know that I hate this word, it is a Christian terminology, but I will use it for lack of a better word, or rather lack of time and typing skills I have to truly explain what this energy should be called) and the power it has of holding you back is your reality, when of course it is not some wicked obeah.
There are times when we become so comfortable in our lives that when it comes time for us to move on or to go with the flow, the signs are there, we see them clearly, we still hold on to what we are used to and in doing so become stagnant. I will give you an example of a friend of mine, her story.
She had been married to a very miserable man for quite sometime. He took care of her, she went to school while he worked. They had one child and would later go on to have another. He was very hard to deal with as everything bothered him, she would do as she was supposed to as a wife, though docile she was not. However, she had the personality to deal with him. She was unhappy in her marriage and very unfulfilled, in more ways than one, but he, though miserable was a good provider. She had her “flings” unbeknownst to him and most likely he did the same. While home and not working she went to school, but at her leisure I suppose, as it took her 14 years to get her bachelors, on again off again was how she would do it. Remember although he was a miserable and torturous man, she endured because the material part of her life was fulfilled by this natzi.
The day came when he caught her on one of her extramarital excursions and the marriage ended. She is my friend so she came running to my home. I love this girl very much, she is a good person, an even better one,now that she has learned a very valuable lesson. We went to the Orisha Osun, of course who is for family, and she prayed to the deity for her to fix it, she needed the man to come back. Osun told her that she should calm down all would be well (that is all the deity said in response to her pleas, nothing else). He never came back home, but my friend in a couple of months graduated from college, got a good job with the government, went on quickly to get her masters, is now working out the PHD, has met a new man with whom she is in love with, they travel together often and are very in love. She is currently looking to buy her house. If you can see, my friend was the one who blocked her own way by being too comfortable. She took all the crap he gave her but was still able to drive the latest car and wear all of the name brands because she did not want to push forward on her own, either too lazy or believed that she did not have to. She bared his quarrelsome ways, traded real happiness for a somewhat comfortable life (bills paid, not having to work, material things…) while not realizing that she had her own path to walk, her own potentials and she held herself back for all the wrong reasons.
In my own life with the wicked baby father, I did the same but for different reasons. I wanted a family. I wanted the life for my children with both parents. But I endured his shenanigans because I told myself that this too will pass, the cheating and ill treatment of me. I juxtaposed my life with that of his mother who told me of her horrible life with his cheating father, yet she endured and there they were together but still unhappy. She chat him every chance she got. My own “demon” was within. I created my reality by holding onto this person and his mistreatment because I had sold myself a lie, I lived a fantasy which did not want to manifest in reality or perhaps could not. After I left him, I found Obara Mèjì, well at least the spiritual part of me, I had a far more way to go, but I had become awake and could not go back into slumber.
Recognizing the demon in you which may be blocking your own way, is coming to terms with yourself, being truthful to you, not hiding behind a circumstance in a situation, not blaming someone else for your decisions if they are wrong or failing to be responsible for your own life and mistakes which every human being are entitled to make. The big bad wolf got me pregnant at an early age, I wrote on here that my mother told me to go meet friends and stop being inside the house, I met “him,” he listened to me and was my friend, there was no attraction to him on my part, man neva deh pon mi mind. I was in love with books. To this day I cannot tell you how one indiscretion got me pregnant, ok I know how, but what led to “it ” happening I cannot recall. I just know that I am happy I have my child, she is a blessing, so no blame on anyone, not even myself.
In Africa, I see some women who live their lives through their husbands. They’ll do what he wants and act according to how he says. They dream like any other person, but are still content, regardless of the treatment, with the fact that they have a husband. An outsider, (me) looks at their lives and wonder if they had not limited themselves into being a housewife (many are not even married by traditional standards, much less parson in him back frock and collar, or even a judge) but had found their own path, without doing what their society expected to see of them, and by this I mean what is familiar to them within family or community, How hard would they push themselves? Who would they be? What would be the outcome of their lives? Do we blame the husbands, society, community or anything else for their predicament? It is possible to say yes, these have set the stage, but in reality the individual who is responsible for his or her own life needs to know that the outcome of their life’s journey depends on the decisions they make in life.
Tí orí kan bá sunwọ̀n á ran’gba. /
If one head (a person) is blessed, hundreds others will be positively affected….Yoruba Proverb!
[Success is contagious]
Everything comes when it must, and everything happens for a reason, do not hurry your life, what is destined for you, cannot escape you, just keep the faith, be patient and be prayerful, filled with compassion, kindness and respect for all, let these qualities be among your name, God will fill in the rest…..Obara Meji!
All religions are valid as long as it teaches peace and love….Obara Meji
There are no disappointments in life, only lessons learned!….Obara Meji