AM I CHANGING?

I laid upon my bed on my back, the ear phone pugged into my computer, listening to Lana del Rey, one of my favorite artist. A playlist with some of my favorite music by her hauntingly appealing voice serenades me. Summertime Sadness, followed by Born to Die, then Video Games, after which Blue jeans began to play. I suddenly paused her and came to my dashboard to write. I am spontaneous like that, have always been. they say it is an Aries trait, and that I am.

There is something about Lana’s music that makes you (perhaps me alone, but it cannot be since her you tube views are out of this world) go into deep thinking. In Summertime Sadness she makes death seem so beautiful, at least the video depiction of her lyrics. Who would have imagined beauty from jumping off a cliff? A true artist would, the imagery not the reality. While I traveled with her through her music mentally, I began to think about me and the love I had for people. The love I had. I use to love human beings, I have written it over and over here, but nowadays, I wonder do I still ? Why am I feeling this way?

I have always loved myself, even when I make mistakes, or do silly things and berate myself at times for decisions I make, usually on a whim. I am not usually silly (as in nincompoop silly) but silly in being humorous or jovial, yes you can find me there. It is Wednesday here in Nigeria, and I am home. The estate is quiet as usual and my a/c still hums quietly, although the heat outside is belligerent and threatens to enter. My house is quiet and I have been watching Gun smoke on youtube all of last night.

That Matt Dillion character (real bad man) would suit me fine, #slightcrushonMattDillion. Why did I interrupt Lana’s beautiful voice to come and write? Well as I said, I got to thinking (Chester in Gun Smoke voice) about me and wondered if I was changing. Was I becoming resentful of the world and its citizens? I have written about this here before, and have told you about advice from the younger ones around me, that I should not allow all that I have been through to get to me, but what has been happening to me is that I feel as if I should be mindful when I speak.

This was sparked by one of Lana’s songs I suppose, a song titled ride. In the lyrics she sought freedom, and during her monologue she felt as if her being different made people see her as crazy, to which she admitted to being by the end of the song, and she was fine with it, if it made her free.

Growing up I was fearful of many things, especially things that went bump in the night. Spirituality removed those fears and sent me down a path of strength and determination. In my mind, I wanted everyone to be my friend, but I had yet to find a friend, and now at this point in my life, I do not want one. I tried friendship many times, it never worked and yet I yearned for it. I liked that sisterhood thing I saw with most people, never had it. Perhaps this is why I love the Golden Girls and have to watch it every night before I sleep. but Blanche could not be my friend, she just too bad mind.

As I am typing, I remember once when I was in my shop an Indian man came inside and began to read me. He wore a black turban and had that East Indian mystical look, probably for effect. I am a deep skeptic, but I decided to humor him that day, thinking that he probably needed a few dollars, and I was willing to give it. I made it my mission in life to always give/help people in need, I still do. He told me many things that flew through my ears, I wasn’t listening although I seemed as If I was, but one thing got my attention. He told me that I was an old soul, and I would not have friends  in this life as I was a teacher, and would instead have students.

The girls who worked in the shop, shouted out laughingly and told him that all I did everyday was to teach and preach to them and the customers. I remember feeling slightly embarrassed, because in truth this was really all I did, to everyone who came into my presence. I had a burning desire to save everybody from themselves and the world, and I thought the only way to do so was to enlighten them. I wanted everyone to know that all will be well, and that they had a purpose.

I loved people so much that I hated to see suffering and I wanted to heal the world, if it was even through encouragement. I never thought of my self as being naive then, I just knew that I had been hurt by things I experienced in life, and I worried for everyone and wanted to change the experiences of others who may also be affected as I was.

I used to pray to God for a way to take in children who had no home, no parents, no love, no one. I wanted to be their mom. I had no idea back then that I was a child of the great Orisha Osun and she is mother, Yeye (Yay Yay) and I was the embodiment of her. She reflected through me, in my character, my personality. I wanted to help everyone and I prayed to God for a way.

I wanted the creator to use me, so that I could positively impact the lives of others. During those times, I was going through hell with the wicked baby father and his evil woman and family. What they did to me and how they made me feel, made me want to assist  others in not going through what I was going through. I did not know how, and at times I felt sorry for myself, for how I thought and the hopelessness of it all. In those days, I lived mostly in my mind. Through my imagination, I could achieve all that I wished. I saw and created all I wanted to achieve. Although I knew it wasn’t reality, my mind told me of it’s possibilities and It soothed me, call it holding on to hope. Imagination is a great gift God gave to us all, we must however use it responsibly.

My teenage years and my years of being in my twenties was both beautiful and rough. Beautiful, because of my children and rough because of everybody else. I cried more times than I laughed. I was sad more often than happy. Those times, I wore a dark heavy cloak, it was through the horror of my awakening that the cloak was lifted and I saw light.

While I do not ever want to revisit those times, I can say it was a time when I truly loved humans, regardless of my struggles with them and how they treated me. During those times, I just needed a friend or so I thought. My babies were too young for me to burden with my woes, yet I had no one to share my tears with, no one for a comforter. All this while my comforter were my spirits, who were ever watchful over me, ever present.

They were the ones shielding me from the wickedness of the human spirit and the cruelty they are able to unleash. I had written betrayal from heaven, so no friend!. The more friend my enemy had, the more enemies I would create. I did not have to offend them, there was an energy which was already in the world with me that dictated that I had no one close to me as friends or they would become disloyal/betray, even if they were the most loyal people on the face of the earth.

This is apart of my contract and can never change. I will have students, never friends. Damn this hurt! It means I have to learn how to set boundaries, and how can I when I never had a childhood  and want to still play hopscotch, who will I play it with? Who would be my second for patty cakes? Who would jump rope and be silly with me? My children have, so far, (look at my past comments in my posts and you will see how jovial  and childlike I can be). They see no reason to judge me when I want to play patty cakes with them, or be child like with them, and they love it, so do I. Way deep down inside me there is a little girl, who wants to laugh all the time and be happy. Oh Jesus, a tear just splashed on my keyboard, why? Sentiments are no good Obara, sit up straight!

I don’t want to change, I want to continue to love. One blogger, a woman from England, who I liked very much, use to tell me that she liked when I ended the post with “I love you all”. In my heart, I loved her for telling me that, and I was mindful from then to put it at the end of my posts, although I don’t do it as much these days. Please remember to pray for me, as I need encouragement.

I am reflecting a lot these days and at times I get angry during these reflections, angry at myself and how I allow myself to fall prey to peoples nonsense. I must stop. But does stopping remove my humanity? Will changing how I see humans, change how I deal with them, and in doing so, keep me safe from the hurt and pain I have felt from them over the years? The end justifies the means, and this is true in some cases, but what does this mean for me?

Mo gbọ́n tán, mo mọ̀ọ́ tán, lagbọ́n ò ṣe lóró bí oyin. /
The wasp’s claim to be the wisest and the best was why it has less potent venom than bees….Yoruba Proverb

[Be humble and appreciate that no one will ever know it all; there is no end to improvements.]

All religion are valid as long as it teaches peace and love…..Obara Meji!